It's time to meet the men vying for the JoJo Fletcher's heart this season on The Bachelorette. That means it's also time to curl up in a ball and weep for mankind. Yes, the contestant bios for the 12th season of the highly watchable, always troubling, franchise are out.
Look, we know that there's probably a lot more to any human than what's presented in a questionnaire meant to draw viewers to a reality show. Regardless, there's A LOT to unpack here. What does it mean that multiple men list Her as one of their favorite movies? Are they looking for a sexy-voiced operating system instead of a real woman? But this is not the time for psychoanalytic study. For now, we just want to highlight the questionnaire answers that made us recoil. (We decided to reserve judgment on their choices in movies, but we see you, guy who loves Hook.)
Come on this exasperating journey with us. The season starts May 23.
Deal-breaker Question: "Occupation"
His Response: "Hipster"
Why? While we are fully aware that The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise has a loose definition of the word "occupation," we stopped thinking people who self-define as hipsters were cool in 2009.
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Questions: "Who do you admire most in the world and why?" and "If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?"
His Response (To Both): "Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright."
Why? There is only one Matthew McConaughey. You are not him, sir.
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Questions: "Tattoos," and, "Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?"
His Responses: "No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo [sic]," and, "Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?"
Why? Please stop comparing your body to a "lambo." Please stop referring to a Lamborghini as a "lambo."
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Questions: "Occupation," and, "What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships? "
His Responses: "Erectile Dysfunction Expert," and, "Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies."
Why? We're going to go ahead and guess that Evan is way more concerned with what's going on with his body than what's going on with yours. He doesn't want to be bothered with a woman who speaks or, you know, has an allergy she has absolutely no control over.
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Question: "What’s your worst date memory?"
His Response : "Getting lunch with a girl and listening to her talk about Harry Potter for 20 minutes."
Why? If you can't handle a mere 20 minutes of Harry Potter talk, you don't deserve our love. We want to know what Hogwarts house you would be in and why.
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Question: "If you could do/have any job in the world, what would it be and why?"
His Response: "Don Draper? James Bond? They kill it..."
Why? Well, for one, "Don Draper" and "James Bond" are not jobs, they are fictional characters who treat women very poorly. Their professions are creative director of an ad agency and secret agent, respectively. And if you came away from Mad Men thinking, Man, Don's a cool guy with no issues whatsoever, we suggest a re-watch. Did you even see his Hershey's pitch?
Photo: Courtesy of ABC.
Deal-breaker Question: "What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked?"
His Response: "Sk8er boi. I also went through a pretty ‘thuggish’ stage."
Why? "Thuggish?" Rethink your word choice, Peter.
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