A true artist would never look at Michelangelo's David and think, You know what? I think I can improve on that. No writer would try to take another stab at Catcher in the Rye. And yet, Hollywood seems hell-bent on churning out one movie remake after another. They're not films. They're refried beans.
Okay, so the all-female Ghostbusters reboot was great. We liked Jurassic World. There have been exceptions. Still, we can't resist shaking our fist in protest every time we read that Dirty Dancing is getting remade, or that Channing Tatum is playing a merman in a new take on Splash. With all due respect to Chan, he is the emperor of reheating movies in the microwave. 21 Jump Street? A Ghostbusters reboot of his own? Splash? Dude can't Netflix and chill without getting his agent on the phone.
As Ben-Hur hits theaters August 19 and The Magnificent Seven press tour gets underway, we'd like to issue a warning to Hollywood: Touch these classic films and we'll revolt. (Did that sound menacing?)
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
Sure, any actress would kill to play Holly Golightly. That doesn't mean it's worth messing with perfection. Give Audrey some space, folks.
Pictured: Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard
Photo: SnapStills/Rex/Shutterstock.
Clueless (1995)
Churn out BBC adaptations of Emma, the Jane Austen novel which inspired Cher Horowitz's meddling ways, all you want. Just don't try to recreate the magic behind Cher's argyle miniskirts, makeover montages, and sassy semantics.
Pictured: Alicia Silverstone as Cher
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Some Like It Hot (1959)
We know what you're thinking. Oh, wouldn't it be hilarious to have Channing and Jonah get dolled up in drag? Stop. Right. There. It's pointless to try one-upping Jack Lemmon's performance in this gender-bending classic. And remaking anything that Billy Wilder has touched should be grounds for imprisonment. Show some respect.
Pictured: Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis
Photo: SNAP/REX/Shutterstock.
Anything By John Hughes
Let us have our Brat Packers and be on your way. We don't need Noah Galvin as newbie Ferris Bueller, Cameron Dallas as Jake Ryan, millennials getting angsty in a reboot of The Breakfast Club, or a Channing/Jonah version of Planes, Trains and Automobiles. It's bad enough that Hollywood turned Uncle Buck into a (canceled) TV show.
Pictured: Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Mean Girls(2006)
Like Heathers, Mean Girls is sacred. Hollywood is welcome to have a go at creating another vicious girl clique, but any and all impostors will be taken down like Regina George by that bus.
Pictured: Lindsay Lohan as Cady
Photo: SnapStills/Rex/Shutterstock.
Coming to America (1988)
A naive royal from a made-up kingdom gets a taste of the real world, and hilarity ensues. You could remake this film a million times over and it still wouldn't touch the highly quotable original. Besides, what other actor could play as many characters as Eddie Murphy?
Pictured: Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Anything By Alfred Hitchcock
Bates Motel may be pretty solid, but that terrible Psycho remake starring Vince Vaughn was a big reminder that one shouldn't mess with genius. In fact, the only person who could get away with remaking Hitchcock films was Hitch himself, who tweaked several films ( The 39 Steps, The Man Who Knew Too Much) once color film became available. While there's no doubt that George Clooney would make a passable Cary Grant surrogate in To Catch a Thief Part Deux, film purists would rather not seem him try.
Pictured: Doris Day in The Man Who Knew Too Much (1956)
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Titanic(1997)
Too expensive, too much trouble, too pointless. Can't Kate and Leo have the final word?
Pictured: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Troop Beverly Hills(1989)
What would this Shelley Long classic be without Jane Fonda, Robin Leach, and baby Tori Spelling? Nothing, that's what.
Pictured: Shelley Long as Phyllis Nefler
Photo: Moviestore/REX/Shutterstock.
When Harry Met Sally...(1989)
Nora Ephron's writing cannot be improved upon. Get your own love story with fake orgasms.
Pictured: Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal
Photo: Snap Stills/REX/Shutterstock.
Casablanca (1942)
Rick and Ilsa will always have Paris, and we'll always have the firm conviction that any attempts to rip off this iconic film would be futile. We'd be shocked — shocked! — if anyone tried.
Pictured: Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart
Photo: Snap Stills/REX/Shutterstock.
Groundhog Day(1993)
You can have Ghostbusters, but you can't take Groundhog Day. The Bill Murray comedy is randomly now a musical in London's West End, with a script written by the film's original co-writer. That's enough for now.
Pictured: Bill Murray as Phil
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Anything By Wes Anderson
Anderson is one of those filmmakers who has made his stories his own. Adapting them for other purposes would feel false, even if you do think that Zac Efron would make an incredible Richie Tenenbaum.
Pictured: Ben Stiller, Danny Glover, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Anjelica Huston in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Photo: Moviestore/REX/Shutterstock.
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Gone With the Wind(1939)
Despite author Margaret Mitchell's estate authorizing writers to drum up fresh prequels and sequels, we frankly do give a damn if Hollywood tries to recreate Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh's magic.
Pictured: Gable and Leigh as Rhett and Scarlett
Photo: Rex/Shutterstock.
Home Alone(1990)
Maybe we should just let modern-day kids enjoy the original without forcing some other cute child actor to beat a dead horse. The sequels were bad enough, after all.
Pictured: Macaulay Culkin as Kevin
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Pretty Woman(1990)
Firstly, we'd like to retire the "rich dude rescues sassy sex worker" trope. Secondly, Julia Roberts is so incredibly charismatic here that it's just pointless trying to top it. Of course, Hollywood probably wants a remake in which Channing Tatum plays a male escort who gets a Rodeo Drive makeover courtesy of a commitment-phobic executive played by (duh) Julia Roberts. Pass.
Pictured: Richard Gere and Julia Roberts
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Trading Places(1983)
What can we say? We dig Eddie Murphy comedies. The rich man/poor man switcheroo trope has been going strong for centuries, but that doesn't mean it's okay for someone like Adam Sandler to have another go.
Pictured: Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy
Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock
Scarface (1983)
Last year, reports surfaced that Leonardo DiCaprio was planning to take on the role of Tony Montana in a reboot of this crime classic. Would we watch it? Yes; it's Leo. Would we grumble about his attempt to out-Pacino Pacino? Absolutely.
Pictured: Al Pacino as Tony Montana
Photo: Snap/REX/Shutterstock.
Big (1988)
Right now, some executive is probably pitching Kevin Hart's agent with a Big remake. "It's funny! He's so short! It's a clever twist!" Just say no.
Pictured: Robert Loggia and Tom Hanks
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
Anything By Woody Allen
Love him or hate him, Woody Allen's work is very much his own. Nobody gets those NYC neuroses, Gershwin scores, or Diane Keaton's charm quite like this guy.
Pictured: Diane Keaton and Woody Allen in Annie Hall (1977)
Photo: Snap/Rex/Shutterstock.
Working Girl(1988)
No '80s references or Joan Cusack? Unthinkable.
Pictured: Melanie Griffith as Tess
Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX/Shutterstock.
The Godfather(1972)
That third film alone was pushing it. Try to shove a reboot down our throats, Hollywood, and we'll do you one worse than Fredo.
Pictured: Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, James Caan, and John Cazale
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