You might not be familiar with the name Harper Watters, but you’ve probably seen one of his viral videos. Maybe the one where the professional ballet dancer struts, pops, and does splits on the treadmill to the sounds of “Fergalicious” — all while wearing a pair of sky-high pink heels? Two years ago, that exact Instagram video became an internet sensation, garnering over 1.4 million views and tons of reposts.

Watters has gone on to post more treadmill routines, in addition to clips in which he pirouettes sans exercise equipment. The star soloist at the Houston Ballet has built an online reputation centred on self-expression and fearlessness. That’s what landed him a gig as the face for MAC’s Love Me Lipstick collection.

Along with five other individuals who MAC has deemed “powerfully expressive” — a list that includes Halima Aden and Rina Sawayama — Watters appears in the lipstick campaign wearing a shade of candy apple-red lipstick, called Shamelessly Vain. He also takes a stroll on a treadmill to none other than “Lovefool” by The Cardigans.

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A post shared by HARPER WATTERS (@theharperwatters) on Aug 18, 2019 at 9:00am PDT

Watters admits that he came about his signature move spontaneously. It all began when he and his friends randomly put on heels after a workout in the gym. “We were like, ‘Could you imagine if we put on these heels and just got on a treadmill,'” he tells Refinery29. They did exactly that, creating the first of many videos. Watters makes it seem easy to pose on a moving stage, but he admits it’s a tough task. “It’s a lot of prayer, good health insurance, and music that really helps to do it,” he says with a chuckle, revealing that there definitely has been some falling. “The power of editing gives me a lot of grace.”

Although dancing in heels can be tricky — you should probably leave it to the professionals — Watters finds power in wearing stilettos on and off the treadmill. “When I wear the heels, a lot of people see the shoe but there’s a certain swagger, a certain attitude that you have to have when you put on heels. The same comes when you put on red lip or you use a gorgeous highlight,” he says. “I really feel like Naomi Campbell when I wear makeup. When you know that you have a stunning lip on, it’s indescribable but you just carry yourself a little different. It’s like a superhero cape.”

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A post shared by HARPER WATTERS (@theharperwatters) on Mar 29, 2019 at 9:39am PDT

Watters first learned to put on makeup for his dance recitals and studio performances. Over time, he perfected his stage makeup skills by watching YouTube tutorials and copying the techniques of drag queens. “RuPaul’s Drag Race was really inspirational for me to start accepting my feminine side and exploring my identity, other sides of who I am, and who I can be,” he says. “It really made me feel like, ‘It’s cool to put on a heel, makeup, or any type of outfit.”

Don’t be mistaken by Watters’ undeniable confidence, his journey to self-love has been a work in progress — especially with the pressures within the dance community. “I’m actually in my tenth season with the Houston Ballet, and it’s my job to stare at myself in the mirror every day and perfect things,” he reflects. “I doubted myself a lot, and I thought I had to be like other successful dancers. I compared myself to them.”

Eventually, he harnessed the confidence we all see today on his Instagram feed and in the MAC campaign. “It was when I truly accepted who I was, what I had to offer, and what I had to say that my dancing became better.” Watters feeds that self-love by taking his ballet classes every day — which he finds meditative — wearing heels whenever he pleases, and making time for guilty pleasures, like the Real Housewives.

He urges everyone to find the thing that gives them power. In his words, “Whether it’s makeup, heels, or doing what you really truly love, celebrate that and own it because once you do that, the sky’s the limit for what you can achieve.”

Refinery29’s selection is purely editorial and independently chosen – we only feature items we love! As part of our business model we do work with affiliates; if you directly purchase something from a link on this article, we may earn a small amount of commission. Transparency is important to us at Refinery29, if you have any questions please reach out to us.

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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we’re tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We’re asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.

Editor’s Note: All currency has been converted to USD.

Today: a 911 dispatcher and part-time grocery courier who makes $67,480 per year and spends some of her money this week on Reese’s peanut butter chocolate spread.

Occupation: 911 Dispatcher & Part-Time Grocery Courier
Industries: Government & Delivery
Age: 22
Location: The Prairies
Salary: $59,925 (I currently make between $24.19 and $25.50 an hour at my dispatch job — nights and weekends pay a bit more); $7,554.75 (I also deliver groceries on the side. The total varies depending on the number of orders and tips; this is an average.)
Paycheck Amount (2x/month): $1,547.21 (dispatch); $302.19 (grocery delivery)

Gender Identity: Woman

Monthly Expenses
Rent: $1,113 (My boyfriend bought his house. We make nearly the same amount, so I decided on this number, and he agreed. It includes utilities, cable, and internet.)
Car insurance: $129.04
Spotify: $3.77
Netflix: $0 (I received a free year of Netflix by signing up for a reloadable prepaid Visa.)
Phone: $39.66
RPP: $136.74 (This is automatically deducted and matched by my employer — sweet, sweet government pension.)
TFSA: $302.19 (My income from my side hustle goes to savings.)
RRSP: $302.19 (I have about $9,065.70 in my RRSP right now.)
Major Purchases Fund: $75.55
Vacation Fund: $75.55
Cat Medication: $15.11 (We love him. We really do.)

Additional Expenses:
Medical Insurance (Annually): $679.93 (I am on very expensive medication and my benefits only cover 80% of it, so I pay for non-group insurance to cover the additional 20%.)

Day One

6 a.m. — I’m leaving work, because I was on the night shift. I’m still in training to be a 911 dispatcher, so I’m a shadow operator. I recently finished my ten-week course, and I have to undergo 3,200 hours of training, plus an exam. Typically, I work 12-hour shifts, four days on, four days off. Today is my last shift before four days off! Whoopee!

6:15 a.m. — I make it to the yoga studio. Due to the stressful nature of the job, we get to expense a lot of health and wellness opportunities, so I have an unlimited hot-yoga pass. The class helps me forget about the shift I just had — plus, if I don’t go after work, I will not go.

7:30 a.m. — My mom gave me her old car, which I drive to and from work. Going against the traffic means I make it home fast. My boyfriend, P., is getting up for the day, and I pop into the bathroom to give him a kiss. Back downstairs, I load the dishwasher, prep all of the ingredients for his morning smoothie, and feed our two yowling cats. One has urinary issues and anxiety, so he gets special food. The other could eat an entire ham and wouldn’t be fazed, so we lock the special-food one in the bathroom. As he eats, I have water and an orange, and take out ground turkey for tonight. I also make a grocery list. When P. is out of the shower, I let out the kitty (whose sibling goes to scavenge for potential leftovers), and we kiss goodbye. Then I wash my face (Cetaphil) and moisturize (CeraVe and Differin Gel for acne), brush my teeth, and knock out.

2:30 p.m. — I’m awake, showered, eating toast, and having coffee. I pack up my library books and play with my cats, then head to the grocery store. I pick up Reese’s Puffs cereal, chocolate chips, oranges, bananas, avocado, onions, chickpeas, arugula, cherry tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, shredded cheese, garam masala, tomato paste, chickpeas, white bread, eggs, and garlic butter. The total comes to $34.71, and I collect 4,000 points on our rewards card. We’re so close to $70 worth of groceries! $34.71

3 p.m. — The novelty sweet shop is the only place that sells Reese’s peanut butter chocolate spread. I buy two jars. They’re an indulgence for bad shifts, so I’ll take them to work. They last a lot longer there anyway. $17.45

3:30 p.m. — I head to Walmart to print cat photos to put inside a thank-you card (which I also buy) for our neighbor, who recently watched our cats. She adores them and refuses to let us pay her. Library books are then dropped off. $7.12

5 p.m. — Dishes are unloaded, and P. comes home to grab his gym stuff.

6 p.m. — He texts me when he’s done stretching, so I start making dinner. I dump chickpeas in tomato sauce and add a ton of spices to marinate for choley, my favorite Desi dish.

7 p.m. — We eat and watch TV. I give our sick cat his pill and take my own. We are both on antidepressants: The cat because he’s high-strung, and me because I left my abusive family household last year and have had panic attacks and guilt.

9 p.m. — P. and I head to bed. I listen to the Stuff You Should Know podcast to fall asleep and dream of olive oil, the topic on tonight’s episode.

Daily Total: $59.28

Day Two

8 a.m. — P. is up, and so am I. I go downstairs to feed the cats and start a pot of coffee. I pour myself a bowl of Reese’s Puffs cereal. P. is allergic to peanuts, so we can’t have a kiss goodbye when he leaves for work. Ooops! I tell him that I will bring him lunch to make up for it, because he works close by. He agrees and kisses the cats goodbye instead.

10:30 a.m. — Honestly? I have no idea how I spent the past two-and-a-half hours, except for plucking my Indian eyebrows, because the maintenance struggle is real. I don’t get to go on social media much when I work nights, so I spent my morning zoning out on Instagram and catching up with politics.

12 p.m. — It’s marathon training time. I’m signed up to run a race in about nine months — and I already paid the $150 fee — so my goal is to at least complete it. I’m hoping for a sub-six, as in six hours. Don’t judge me. I go for a run and clock my miles, so my Apple Watch is happy. Yes, my watch is subsidized through work — your tax dollars at work. I call P. and he says he could really go for Japanese food, so I get his order, along with a chicken bento box with extra broccoli for myself. We eat in the lunchroom at his work. $21.91

1:30 p.m. — At home, I vacuum and wash the floors, play with the cats, take out the garbage, drop off the thank-you card at our neighbor’s house, and check the mail, where I see our joint credit card bill. The only items on it are tickets to see Ariana Grande for my little sister’s Sweet 16. My dad paid for her ticket, so I charged the rest and also bought tickets for P. and me (P. may be a bigger fan than my sister!). My little sister is pretty spoiled, but I love her too much to let this opportunity go by. I pay off the tickets. $256.86

4:30 p.m. — P. and I are going to Cancun for a friend’s wedding, and he wants to know if we should book excursions now. I feel uncomfortable because the all-inclusive stay, flights, and outfits for the wedding have already cost me $2,266.43. I delivered a lot of groceries to pay for it, and I don’t really want to shell out for excursions. He tells me he really wants to go see the ruins of Chichén Itzá with me, and offers to pay for my ticket. I agree.

6:30 p.m. — I put the leftover chickpea curry concoction on the stove to simmer and start the rice cooker. P. is watching Family Guy, a show I can’t stand, so I take my bowl upstairs to Skype with my best friend in New York City. We have been friends for well over a decade, and I got to visit him last summer, but we’ve only met up in person twice (we met on a Harry Potter fan forum). We talk about our favorite shows and books, and I hold up the cats to the camera. He also left his abusive home, and we’ve bonded over our #firstgenerationguilt and discuss our recent therapy sessions.

10:30 p.m. — I fall asleep learning about how nitrous oxide works.

Daily Total: $278.77

Day Three

9 a.m. — I spend the morning in my yoga class. P. is at work today, which means I’m delivering groceries. After yoga class, I shower, blowdry my hair, and put on my grocery-delivering outfit: comfortable leggings, a sweater that I can pull off when I get sweaty, and my Bluetooth headphones.

1:30 p.m. — In the midst of my third order of the day, I buy California rolls from the counter at the grocery store. I haven’t eaten all day, and I wolf down the sushi in the grocery-store parking lot before notifying the next customer I’m on my way with their delivery. $5.66

2:30 p.m. — I’m dispatched to pick up groceries at an Asian supermarket and can’t find an item, because the label and description on my app are in a different language. I end up calling the customer and refunding him for the product. He doesn’t leave me a tip because of it. Whatever.

4:30 p.m. — I finish my ninth order of the day, boosting me up to $151.10. My muscles ache deeply from lugging around bags all day, and I have a bunch of random receipts and extra grocery bags in my car, so I clean it out. When I check the grocery app, I see that the last customer left me a HUGE tip: $37.77! She was an older lady who needed help putting away the groceries. I only do grocery delivery once or twice a week, but today was so busy that I knock off my hours for tomorrow. Let someone else make that cash.

6:30 p.m. — P. suggests hot pot for dinner. Yes, please! The best nearby hot pot place has a late-night special after 9 p.m., so P. asks if I want to go to a yoga class beforehand. He cajoles me into doing my second class of the day by picking a simple meditative/stretch one.

8 p.m. — I’m glad I did the class because my shoulders are tight, and my favorite instructor helped me release the knots. We catch up on our weeks over hot pot. P. also works in government, so we know how frustrating these workplaces can get sometimes, and his week was full of bureaucracy. But he mentions personnel changes are in the works, so I’m hopeful his situation will get better. P. pays for dinner ($26.44.)

10 p.m. — We are full and happy, and I fall asleep listening to tonight’s episode on impeachment.

Daily Total: $5.66

Day Four

10:30 a.m. — It’s Sunday, and that means I struggle into my salwar kameez to meet my family at the temple. Our relationship is getting better after no contact for six months, a lot of therapy for me, and a lot of boundary-setting with them. I refuse to go over to their home, so we see each other weekly at the temple. I see my little sister more often by taking her to the mall, teaching her how to drive, and meeting up at her high school. I have to give a small amount when I go in to pray in front of our Holy Book and take some of the sweet offering given. I spy my mom and little sister. My sister and I are like kids when we’re at temple — incapable of sitting still. We spot my cousin, so we head to the eating hall to gossip. I don’t go to a lot of family events on account of having a white boyfriend and living with him, so my cousin catches me up on all the drama. $0.19

12 p.m. — Lunch is free at the temple. My mom asks what I want for my upcoming birthday, and I tell her I’d like a fancy yoga mat. She loves Lululemon, so I tell her one from there is fine. She tells me to order it and she’ll pay me back. My dad argues that takes the fun out of the present, and they bicker about it, while I roll my eyes at my sister.

12:45 p.m. — On the way home, I remember that I’m almost out of nail-polish remover and stop by the drugstore. I get acetone and eye the new Essie polish colors. I can’t resist, so I get a sparkly shade ($8.75). I also buy a Kit Kat and a sweet peach tea ($2.39). Dealing with my parents calls for chocolate. $11.14

2 p.m. — P. wakes me up from my nap on the couch (the cats have tucked themselves into the billowing cloth of my salwar kameez). He wants to go to the gym. As we pack our respective bags, we do our weekly check-in about emotions and feelings. Both of us came from brutal childhoods, and that has sometimes made communication difficult. When we began to individually attend therapy, both of our therapists recommended regular check-ins with each other, and it’s been great. We’ve been together since I was 18, and we’ve grown up so much together.

5 p.m. — I’m done with my run, but P. spends so long at the gym, so I read long-form journalism while I wait for him to finish. I know the desk staff at the gym, so I wander over to chat. They ask how the 911 gig is going, and I tell them that I was there for a call that resulted in an Amber Alert a while back, and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. (The child was found safe and sound.) P. comes out from the change room and we leave.

5:30 p.m. — I remember that the cat needs his special food, so we head to our local pet-food store and stock up. It’s more expensive here, but both P. and I are passionate about trying to support Canadian businesses. It’s his turn to pay, and I throw in some Pill Pockets (treats that disguise the pill inside), because the cat’s antidepressants are bitter and the pockets are the only thing that masks the taste. We lament about our sick little baby. He will likely be on this food and his pills for the rest of his life. We are such cat parents.

7 p.m. — I see on Instagram that a bunch of my friends have been to a outdoor art installation. I ask P. if he wants to go and he agrees, so I buy tickets online at a 40% discount. $26.44

8 p.m. — P. drives us there and buys me caramel corn and a giant pretzel for himself as we wander around the gorgeous display.

10 p.m. — It’s our usual bedtime routine. The cats stretch across the base of the bed, and I can’t put my legs down. I can’t sleep but count my blessings instead. I’m happy we have such a great little family. I finally fall asleep listening to how drowning happens.

Daily Total: $37.77

Day Five

9 a.m. — P. and I rarely have two days off in a row together, so today is a treat, and we go to A&W for breakfast using a two-can-dine coupon for coffees, eggs, bacon, toast, and sausage links. $10.57

10 a.m. — P. and I head to the grocery store so he can get dinners for the nights I’m working. He buys a random assortment of meats and vegetables, throwing in a pork tenderloin for tonight. I add Brussels sprouts because that’s his favorite veggie with pork. Because I bought groceries last time, he pays this time. We hit $70 on our rewards card and talk excitedly about how we could spend it. P. wants to save up enough points for a new TV, and I want a Silk’n laser hair-removal tool. I pop over to the pharmacy to pick up two months of medication refills, which I carry to the car carefully because it would cost me $10,000 if it weren’t covered!

12 p.m. — We reach Costco, which always strikes fear into my heart. P. and I split up to maximize our time in the store. I pick up cat litter and two pounds of strawberries. The line is crazy-long and we’re hungry, so I buy us a hotdog and soda to share. Since we’re mainly there to buy P. his work snacks, he pays for the main grocery bill. $1.13

1 p.m. — P. goes to the gym, but Monday is my rest day, so I go on a whirlwind cleaning spree while he’s out. I do the laundry, scrub down the shower and the bathroom, and change the kitty litter. Then I take off my nail polish and settle in to plan my week, making notes about my goals for each day. If I don’t do this, I get home from a bad shift and tend to spiral.

3 p.m. — Tenderloin is in the Crock-Pot for a four-hour roast, and I fold laundry. P. comes home and switches over the sheets, while I pack my bag for tomorrow. I bring everything I need to work for my four-day stretch on the first day, because I’ll otherwise forget. This includes books I’m reading, snacks, pill cases, and gym clothes.

7 p.m. — Dinner is delicious, and I pack up leftovers for tomorrow for both myself and P. He cleans up, while I give the cats exercise with their favorite toys.

8 p.m. — We watch a few episodes of The Office but head to bed early. I prep the coffee pot for tomorrow and fall asleep listening to how orchids work.

Daily Total: $11.70

Day Six

4:45 a.m. — The coffee pot starts to brew, and I wake up to the smell.

5 a.m. — Everyone is snuggled so tightly in the blankets, but I roll out of bed and pull on my leggings, a shirt, a hoodie, and socks. Dispatcher clothing choices are nothing but comfort. I wash my face and kiss everyone goodbye.

5:45 a.m. — I make it to work and finish my coffee from home as I swipe in through several layers of security to get into the heart of the headquarters. I unpack my bag into my cubby and say hi to a few officers who are coming off their night shifts.

9 a.m. — Another dispatcher wants to order pasta and offers to pick it up on the first lunch rotation, so I e-transfer her $9.81 for my bacon penne. $9.81

12 p.m. — I call P. so we can chat about the morning while I eat penne in the lunch room. He tells me his friends planned a night out, which sounds fun.

2:30 p.m. — I witness a terrifying, triggering domestic-violence call and am sent out for an early break. I lock myself in a private room and sit on the floor, crying and eating pasta. I text P., and he reminds me to practice all of the techniques my therapist taught me. A lot of people drink and smoke at this job, and moments like these are why. It’s still so hard to get used to being a passive bystander in these situations.

6 p.m. — I’m released a little early, so I stop by McDonald’s for ice cream on my way to yoga class, because everything sucks. $1.89

7:30 p.m. — Everything still sucks, and I did terribly at yoga, crying and sweating on my mat like a disgusting Gremlin. I arrive home, and P. has set up a nest for me to burrow into on the couch and watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I fall asleep there, so he gently shakes me awake to get me into bed. The tears have given me an intense headache, and I pass out once I hit the bed.

Daily Total: $11.70

Day Seven

4:30 a.m. — I awake from a nightmare before my alarm goes off and am immediately hit with a tears hangover. I go downstairs to chug water and take an Advil.

5:15 a.m. — Kisses goodbye, and I’m on the road.

9 a.m. — Someone brought coffee and treats from Tim Hortons. I drops some change into a Tim’s cup and grab a few glorious chocolate Timbits. I’m glad I can share this stereotypical Canadian moment. $1.51

12 p.m. — At lunch, I see I haven’t budged in the library hold queue for a popular new novel, so I log onto Amazon and buy it. If I hate it, I’ll just donate it to the library. $19.83

6 p.m. — It’s a marathon training day. My headache dissipates as I pound out my miles. P. joins me at the gym and makes kissy faces at me from the weight-training area.

9 p.m. — I don’t go to work until 6 p.m. tomorrow night, so I try and stay up as late as I can to reset my clock. P. heads to bed, and I settle in with a book.

Daily Total: $21.34

Calling All College Students! Have you always wanted to do a money diary? Well, this is your chance! We’re doing a special series of college diaries, and we want to feature you. If you’re interested, send us an email telling us a bit about yourself, with the subject line “College Diary.”

Want more Money Diaries? Well, you’re in luck — Refinery29 Canada is launching its own Canadian Money Diaries three times a week. (Which means once you’re done with catching up on all our diaries during your lunch break, you can head on over to R29 CA for even more.) You can now experience Money Diaries IRL at 29Rooms Toronto September 26th through October 6th. Buy tickets here.

Money Diaries are meant to reflect individual women’s experiences and do not necessarily reflect Refinery29’s point of view. Refinery29 in no way encourages illegal activity or harmful behavior.

If you are experiencing anxiety or depression and need support, please call the National Depressive/Manic-Depressive Association Hotline at 1-800-826-3632 or the Crisis Call Center’s 24-hour hotline at 1-775-784-8090.

The first step to getting your financial life in order is tracking what you spend. Do you have a Money Diary you’d like to share? Submit it with us here. For more money diaries, click here.

Have questions about how to submit or our publishing process? Read our Money Diaries FAQ doc here: r29.co/mdfaqs

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This Thursday night, the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates will face off for one night only for the first time ever, after the Democratic National Committee’s (DNC) rules and several dropouts have whittled down the qualifying field to just 10.

Now that the field has been halved since the July debate, which lasted two nights, commentators are zeroing in on potential new fault lines between the candidates. Former Vice President Joe Biden and Sen. Elizabeth Warren — current frontrunners #1 and #2, respectively — will be sharing the stage for the first time. The ideological factions they occupy within the Democratic Party will likely be highlighted.

This is also the first time that the two top-polling women, Warren and Sen. Kamala Harris, will appear on the same debate stage. And with Harris announcing her much-anticipated criminal justice plan this week, directly confronting critics of her prosecutorial record, other candidates may take the opportunity to challenge her stances.

Primary debates often underscore divisions within the party, Hans Noel, an associate professor of government at Georgetown University, told TIME. “Most of the candidates agree on nearly everything, especially broadly speaking. So the moderators will try to find space between the candidates,” he said.

While debate topics aren’t released ahead of time, it’s very likely that climate change will come up given that six of the candidates recently announced their plans to fight its threat, and the recent devastation Hurricane Dorian has caused. Gun laws are also likely to come up, with the recent wave of mass shootings in August.

Ready for round 3? Ahead, we’ll tell you everything you need to know about the third Democratic primary debate. (And stay tuned for our recap of the debate’s key moments!)

When is the third Democratic primary debate?

The third Democratic presidential primary debate will take place on Thursday, September 12, at Texas Southern University in Houston. ABC News will host in partnership with Univision. It will air for three hours, from 8 to 11 p.m. ET.

Who are the Democratic candidates who qualified for the third presidential debate?

The DNC qualification requirements changed this time around, making it harder for candidates to qualify. Candidates must have received campaign contributions from at least 130,000 individuals and hit the 2% threshold in at least four DNC-approved polls in order to appear on the stage.

The 10 candidates who made the cut are former Vice President Joe Biden; Sen. Bernie Sanders; Sen. Elizabeth Warren; Sen. Kamala Harris; Mayor Pete Buttigieg; former Texas Rep. Beto O’Rourke; Sen. Cory Booker; Sen. Amy Klobuchar; former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julián Castro; and Andrew Yang.

Candidates will stand on the stage based on their polling numbers, with the highest-polling contenders closer to the middle. They will each have one minute and 15 seconds to respond to moderators’ questions, and 45 seconds to respond to follow-up questions and rebuttals from their colleagues. They are permitted to give opening statements, but no closing statements.

Several candidates have recently dropped out, including Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, Washington Gov. Jay Inslee, former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, and California Rep. Eric Swalwell.

Who did not qualify for the September Democratic debate?

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard; author Marianne Williamson; billionaire executive Tom Steyer; Colorado Sen. Michael Bennet; Montana Gov. Steve Bullock; New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio; former Maryland Rep. John Delaney; Miramar, FL, Mayor Wayne Messam; Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan; and former Pennsylvania Rep. Joe Sestak did not meet the DNC’s requirements for the third debate.

How can I watch the third Democratic debate?

ABC News and ABC News Live will broadcast the debate. It will also be broadcast locally on KTRK-TV. Univision will offer a Spanish translation. You can also stream the debate on Hulu Live, the Roku Channel, Facebook Watch, Twitter, AppleTV, Amazon Fire TV, YouTube, and Apple News.

Who are the Democratic debate moderators?

The four moderators will be ABC News chief anchor George Stephanopoulos, ABC News World News Tonight anchor and managing editor David Muir, ABC News correspondent Linsey Davis, and Univision anchor Jorge Ramos.

What is the Democratic debate schedule?

Third Debate: September 12, 2019, at Texas Southern University in Houston.

Fourth Debate: October 15 and 16, 2019, in Ohio.

Fifth Debate: November 2019.

Sixth Debate: December 2019.

Seventh Debate: January 2020.

Eighth Debate: January or February 2020.

Ninth Debate: February 2020.

10th Debate: February 2020.

11th Debate: March 2020.

12th Debate: April 2020.

What happened in the second Democratic debate?

Medicare for All was a hotly debated topic, and Sen. Kamala Harris criticized Joe Biden on his flip-flopping stance on the Hyde Amendment, which bars the use of federal funds to pay for abortion services. Candidates also discussed the water crisis in Flint, MI, criminal justice, and more. Read our recap of the second Democratic debate here.

Who won the second Democratic debate?

The second Democratic debate was split into two nights, with 10 candidates taking the stage on each Tuesday, July 30, and Wednesday, July 31. The big winners of the first night were Sen. Bernie Sanders and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, two progressives who made a strong case for one of their signature issues: Medicare for All. While there was no clear winner of the second night’s debate, supporters of Medicare for All again had their moment, with healthcare policy being the most-discussed topic across both nights. Many of the candidates expressed their support for universal healthcare and distanced themselves from Joe Biden’s anti-single-payer stance.

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Was passiert hier gerade? Und warum muss ich darüber lachen, obwohl ich es nicht lustig finde? Diese Fragen hattest du bestimmt auch schon einmal im Kopf, während du von jemandem so richtig durchgekitzelt wurdest. Kitzeln löst nämlich unglaublich viele Reize auf einmal aus. Und diese sind dir manchmal einfach unerklärlich. Glücklicherweise gibt es YouTuber wie Hank Green, der uns auf seinem YouTube-Kanal SciShow erklärt, warum wir so verdammt kitzelig sind.

Im Video wird der Begriff „Kitzeln“ erstmal in zwei verschiedene Empfindungen unterteilt – Knismesis und Gargalesis. Ersteres bezeichnet ein leichtes Streicheln, beispielsweise von einer Feder oder wenn ein Käfer über deine Haut krabbelt, wodurch du den Drang verspürst, dich zu kratzen. Diese Art empfinden auch andere Säugetiere. Pferde zum Beispiel peitschen mit ihrem Schwanz, wenn eine Fliege auf ihnen landet.

Gargalesis dagegen kann dich tatsächlich zum Lachen bringen und ist nur bei Primaten vorzufinden. Wenn Schimpansen und Affen zum Beispiel gekitzelt werden, können sie nicht anders als lauthals loszulachen. Interessanterweise ähneln sich die kitzeligen Körperteile bei Primaten sehr. Meistens gehören die Rippen und Achseln und das Kinn zu den empfindlichsten Stellen des Körpers.

Da diese Bereiche nicht nur empfindlich, sondern allesamt auch leicht verletzbar sind, gehen einige Wissenschaftler*innen davon aus, dass Gargalesis ein evolutionärer Mechanismus ist, der jungen Affen und Menschen Selbstverteidigung beibringen soll. Auch wenn wir uns instinktiv abwenden und versuchen, die Stellen vor der Kitzelattacke zu schützen, können wir nicht anders als loszulachen. Das wiederum ist für die andere Person ein Zeichen, dass wir Spaß haben und er oder sie wird ermutigt weiterzumachen. Wenn das Kitzeln uns also nicht zum Lachen bringen würde, müssten wir uns nicht verteidigen und würden es somit auch nicht lernen. In der Tat ist Kitzeln also eine Lektion fürs Leben, wer hätte das gedacht?

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Welcome to Refinery29’s Feel Good Diaries, where we chronicle the physical and mental wellness routines of women today, their costs, and whether or not these self-care rituals actually make you feel good. Have your own Feel Good Diary to submit? You can do so here!

Today: A woman who’s juggling visiting family, vacation, and a half-marathon training plan. 

Age: 30

Location: New York, NY

Occupation: Writer

Salary: $85,000 per year

Day One

9 a.m. — I wake up in my hotel room after a luxurious night of sleep — even if I did have to share a King-size bed with both my sisters. They’re both in town to do some bridal shopping (my younger sis is getting married in 2020), but leaving today.

Even though I live here in NYC, we booked one night in a hotel by Central Park just for fun. 

My plan is to do my long run (11 miles) in Central Park after my sisters head to the airport. I’ve only got 21 days left on my training plan for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, and I’m miraculously still on target, so I really don’t want to skip it. I brush my teeth, splash some water on my face, and get dressed in my running gear — but then we decide to do brunch near the hotel at Sarabeth’s on Central Park South. My sisters both look cute, so I decide to change. We check out, and store our bags with the hotel. ($150 for my portion, including a $35 facility fee.) 

When we get to the restaurant, I order coffee and the jalapeno and cheddar omelette with wheat toast. When our food arrives, I also get a taste of my little sister’s lemon & ricotta pancakes and my older sister’s chive and cream cheese scrambled eggs. All of it is so good. We split the bill evenly. $49.92 for my portion.

12:30 p.m. — Annndddd… now it’s raining, so I guess the Central Park run is out.  After my sisters get in the cab to the airport, I agonize over whether I should attempt to run on the treadmill at the hotel gym (which I paid to use, included in the hotel bill). Or if I should just head home and run later. 

Although 11 miles on the dreadmill will be absolutely terrible, I’ll get to use the gym’s steam room and sauna afterward. Plus if I go home now, I may sit down on the couch and never find the will to get back up again. So I decide to go for it. I talk to the front desk guy who gives me a pass even though we’ve already checked out.

1 p.m. — Okay, this gym is extremely nice, and it’s empty. After I change, I take a puff on my inhaler. I discovered a few years ago that the reason I hated exercise so much for so long is that I actually have exercise-induced asthma. Eventually, I made the connection that most people don’t wheeze or have coughing fits every time their heart rate goes up. I’m glad I figured it out, because working out is now really important for my mental health.

I do my run in segments to break up the monotony; I tell myself re-setting the treadmill will help trick my brain. First, I do 5.7 miles (61:04), while listening to an episode of the best celebrity news podcast of all time, Who? Weekly. Then I stop for water and do another 3.3 (35:15), while listening to a Taylor Swift playlist on Spotify. Her new single “Me” is the perfect running tempo. After another quick water break, I switch to my regular no-fail running playlist for the final, brutal two miles (23:20). I have had this playlist on Spotify ($14.99 per month) for about three years now. I continually edit it, adding and subtracting songs as I go, that I use for all my races.

By the end, I am drenched in sweat, red-faced, and my legs are jelly. But I feel amazing. I just did 11. fucking. miles! 

3:30 p.m. — Steam room time, my reward. It’s so worth it. There is no one here so I stretch naked for a few minutes, then lay down for another 10 or so. I cool off and check out the amenities in the shower before doing the sauna next. This is going to sound weird, but I absolutely love sweating. I’m 100% sure there is no scientific basis for this statement, but I think regular heavy sweating is good for your skin. Maybe it clears it out or something? Also I think the salt is a natural exfoliant. After my shower, my skin feels super soft.

7 p.m. — I wake up from a nap on my couch, and I am already super sore. Ouch. I lay on the couch for another 20 minutes before my partner gets home from work. He’s an artist, so he sets his own schedule and has spent most of the weekend in his studio working while I was with my sisters. We decide to order Mexican food on Seamless ($38.65), and while we wait for our delivery, I go to the grocery store to get us staples for lunches for the rest of the week while he cleans the kitchen. 

At the grocery store I buy kale, two cucumbers, four tomatoes, a bell pepper, a red onion, a loaf of 7-grain bread, a jar of salsa, a can of black beans, a bag of frozen corn,  seven large yellow parsnips, eight large carrots, five honeycrisp apples, two avocados, two lemons, and toilet paper. (Total $48.42)

Daily total: $301.98

Day Two

7:30 a.m. — Ugh, Monday. I get up earlier than usual because last night I was too tired to do all my lunch prep. I also want to do some of the weekly chores I didn’t get around to while my sisters were here: cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming my apartment, and scooping the cat litter. A lot of people think of self-care as lighting a candle and taking a bath or some shit, but I’m a firm-believer that the best and most important form of self-care is literally just doing the unglamourous things you need to do to care for yourself. If I haven’t cleaned my apartment, it drives me nuts all week, especially because I have a cat who sheds (and poops) a lot. 

My boyfriend makes coffee and our regular breakfast: Bob’s Red Mill Oatmeal (which he buys in bulk on Amazon) with frozen blueberries and honey. Meanwhile, I floss with my new “dental lace” that I got at a package-free grocery in our neighborhood ($10). I’ve been trying for months to reduce the amount of plastic I use — there is so much going wrong in the world, and the giant plastic garbage dump killing our ocean is just one part of it. But it happens to be one of the things I can actually do something about, so I’m trying to be more conscious of it. The lace itself still has some plastic in it, but it’s way less than normal floss. It comes in a glass vial that you can refill, which saves a lot of plastic over time, according to the Internet.

After brushing my teeth and rinsing my face, I get started on our lunches. I chop the kale, cucumber, tomato, bell pepper, red onion, and put them in separate tupperware. I rinse the beans, and microwave some corn. And then I assemble salads for both of us using all the ingredients, plus the salsa, and some home-made hummus and tortilla chips I already had. This is what we will eat every day this week for lunch. I also pack myself an apple and my portion of the oatmeal to eat at my desk when I get to work.

Then, I do my other chores: I scrub down the bathroom, sweep the kitchen, scoop the cat litter, and then vacuum. Finally, I get dressed, clip my hair back in a bun, and I’m out the door by 9:15. 

7 p.m. — Home from work after a stressful day. Thankfully it’s a rest day, no running! I planned to also tackle the mountain of laundry in my bathroom, but I’m too tired. I fall asleep on the couch watching episodes of Brooklyn99 on Hulu, which is free because it’s my mom’s account. 

Daily Total: $10

Day Three 

7:30 a.m. — I’m awake early again because I have to be at work early to cover a Congressional Hearing. Thankfully this morning I have fewer things to tackle. I feed my cat before again making our salads, and I realize I’m out of dressing. I’ve started making my own lately to avoid the plastic packaging. So, I whip together a recipe for Greek dressing I found online: olive oil, lemon juice, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, oregano, dijon mustard, and minced garlic. And then I pour it into a glass jar that once held store bought tahini. (Reuse is the most overlooked of the three Rs: Reduce, reuse, recycle.)

2 p.m. — I’m on deadline at work, and hella stressed! When I get stressed from writing I get this tight feeling in my throat, like you get when you’re about to cry. I hate it, but there’s really not much I can do about it until my copy is turned in. Afterward, I do some deep-breathing and scroll Instagram to relax.

6:45 p.m. — At home, I eat a snack of homemade hummus spread on a slice of 7-grain bread while looking at my running app. I use the My Run Plan App ($9.99/ month) and just do what it tells me, based on my goals. I’m a consistent and dedicated runner, but I’m not fast (and I’m fine with that). My last half I did in 2:13:17 and this time I want to try for 2:10 or better (one day I’ll break the 2-hours!). Tonight I have a 7-mile speed workout on deck. 

As I’m getting changed for my run, I realize most of my gear is dirty — it’s all in the mountain of laundry I neglected yesterday. Ugh. I am going on to Colombia on Friday for a wedding and a little vacation, so I really need to just do it. I decide to do my run while I do laundry. I pack all my dirty stuff into my laundry bag and lug it to the laundromat a block from my house. 

After I put two big loads into the wash, I run around my neighborhood — 1 easy mile and 1,000 meters of drills to warm-up, followed by 2 miles in 18:55 — ending up back at the laundromat. I pause the app to move my clothes to the dryer. Then I finish my workout — 1 (painful) mile in 8:56, followed by 10 hard 30-second repeats, and a 1-mile easy cool-down. I get my stuff out of the dryer, fold it, and head home, exhausted. 

9:30 p.m. — My boyfriend is home from work when I walk in with the laundry. He’s warming up chili he made us a while ago and froze for later. I fold the laundry quickly then immediately get in the shower, where I use my shampoo bar ($18) to wash my hair. This is another recent plastic-free switch, and I love it. It lasts so much longer than a bottle does. It’s an all-natural tea tree and basil bar made by a woman-owned small business called Ava Quinn’s I found on Instagram. 

After a relaxing shower, I sit on the couch, and my boyfriend brings me a bowl of chili. He’s also roasting the carrots and parsnips I bought Sunday, so we can add them to the salads in the morning. We watch an episode of Shark Tank on Hulu before getting in bed. 

Daily Total: $27.99

Day Four

8:30 a.m. — Oh man, I am struggling to get up today. My right hip feels really tight. I didn’t stretch after my run, and now I’m paying for it. I vow to make it to yoga tonight. 

I do my normal morning skin routine: Just a rinse with water, followed by SuperGoop sunscreen ($38) and Aquaphor (which boyfriend buys in a big 14 oz. tub that I use) on my lips. I love this repairing lip balm. My boyfriend bought me these adorable glass (plastic-free!) empty lip balm containers from Amazon that I fill with Aquaphor from my bulk container. I keep one in my bedroom, one in my bag, and one on my desk at work. I’m that obsessed. Outside of Aquaphor, I don’t wear anything else. I stopped wearing makeup regularly a few years ago, after I realized it was more trouble than it’s worth for me. 

7:20 p.m. — I’m still at work, pounding out my story and making a to-do list for more reporting. There is no way I’m making it to yoga. As I’m leaving, I discover someone has left mini-cupcakes in the kitchen. I eat a rainbow one and leave. As soon as I get on the elevator I regret not taking an oreo cupcake to-go.

8:30 p.m. — I’m home from work. I heat up some chili, and then do more work on my story, while drinking a coffee mug full of flat champagne that’s leftover from when my sisters were here. I promise myself I will do a Youtube stretching video at least, but then boyfriend gets home from karate, and instead I hang out and talk with him while packing for my trip to Colombia. I leave Friday.

Daily Total: $38

Day Five

8 a.m. — I’m up right on time today. Time for oatmeal, coffee, and making my salad. I have a run later, so I pack my gear so I can run along the water after work.

2:30 p.m. — I’m late for my therapy appointment. I email my therapist to let her know, and she writes back “No worries. I’m here.” She’s worth every penny. ($100)

6 p.m. — 5 miles easy along the water. Hudson River Park is my happy place. I love  seeing the Statue of Liberty and just staring out at the water. I read a study that found that just staring at nature patterns, like blue water or green tree tops, has a naturally calming effect on the brain. This is partly why living in a concrete jungle is so stressful— we’re hard-wired to need time to be in nature, just staring at the patterns. 

8 p.m. — I finish packing for Cartagena. My boyfriend won’t be joining me for this wedding, because we’ve already been to a few this year and it’s too expensive for him right now. This one’s going to be extra challenging, because I’m not really close to anyone who’s going, outside of the bride and groom. So, I’m going to have to make friends. I’m still excited about the trip, though, because I’m turning it into a mini-vacation — just for myself. I’m also going to Australia later in the year, so I bought a new backpack to accommodate both trips. I got it on sale at the REI co-op for $89. When I’m in Cartagena for the wedding, I’m staying in a hostel to keep it affordable. After the wedding, I’m joining the bride and groom and a few other guests at a house we’ve rented. It’ll be a welcome break — and I’ll get to run in a new place, which is great for making the training fun. 

Daily total: $189

Day Six

3:24 a.m. — I’m up and on the way to JFK Airport. I’m seriously regretting booking a 6:25 a.m. flight (the round trip ticket I bought weeks ago was $554.03) while in the Lyft ($33.08). I can’t wait to pass out on the plane. 

Noon — I’ve made it through customs at the airport where I’m connecting to another flight. And I’m starving. Thankfully, I slept the entire first flight, so my brain is sharp enough to order a chicken empanada and a coffee in Spanish (10,000 pesos, or roughly $3) while I wait for my next flight.

3:30 p.m. — Finally…. Cartagena! I find a cab immediately. I read it shouldn’t be more than 10,000 pesos, but the guy is insisting on 15,000. After one volley, I realize the extra 5,000 is not even $2 for me, so I just go with it. I end up giving him 20,000 pesos or roughly $6. 

4  p.m.  — Where I’m staying in Cartagena couldn’t be more perfect. It’s right around the corner from the wedding festivities, off a beautiful square, and it’s adorable and clean. Because I know I will be staying out late both nights for the wedding festivities, I booked a private room to make it easy on myself. My room has a twin bed, and a private bathroom. It’s on the roof, with the door opening right to the rooftop bar and hot tub. I’m in heaven! I pay upfront at check-in ($65.07)

7 p.m. — I have to leave the Old Town, which is basically the remnants of Spanish colonialism, contained by the fortified wall, to get to the rehearsal dinner, which is at a hotel near the beach. After I’m ready, I walk to the square to see if I can hail a cab. After about 5 minutes, I remember this is not New York. Back at the hostel, I have the front desk call me a cab. The woman who helps me is very sweet, and laughs with me when I tell her that I thought I could hail one. 

7:30 p.m. — Outside of the wall, Cartagena reminds me a lot of Miami. The cab ride is less than 10 minutes. There is some confusion at the end of my ride because my Spanish is terrible and I have no idea what he’s saying. I end up just handing him two bills, and getting out when I see he’s satisfied. Only later do I realize I gave him the equivalent of $30 when the ride should have cost around $4. Oops! 

Daily Total: $137.15 

Day Seven 

9:00 a.m. — I wake up very hungover from last night’s rehearsal dinner.  How am I going to run 10 miles like this, in the middle of a heatwave?! Cartagena is known to be warm, but it’s unusually hot this week, with highs in the 90s. I refill my water bottle from the sink, and take some of the Ibuprofen I brought with me. I really don’t want to run right now, but I know that the sooner I get going, the sooner my hangover will disappear. 

9:30 a.m. — This is terrible. The humidity must be 100%, because I cannot breathe. Also, my GPS isn’t working, so I have no idea how far I’m going, which is frustrating. I tell myself if I can just run for an hour, that will be enough. Based on feel I can tell I’m not running fast at all. I estimate that if I just run for an hour, I can do roughly five miles. Considering my condition, it’s a miracle I’m going at all, I tell myself. The one good thing: Cartagena is absolutely beautiful. I run along the wall overlooking the sea, then up and down the narrow streets, passing shops and churches and brightly colored villas covered in flowering vines. I run through the neighborhood Getsamani, and see the murals. If I just focus on how absolutely adorable this place is, my pain subsides — a little.

I run for an hour and a half, so probably 6 or 7 miles? Good enough. Back at the hostel, I’ve just missed the included breakfast, but the front desk girl feels bad for me, (I must look red-faced and terrible) so she makes me breakfast anyway. It’s amazing: scrambled eggs, toast, juice, and coffee. Hangover is now officially cured.

12:30 p.m. — After I shower and change, I have all day before the wedding festivities begin, so I venture back out to wander some more. I get an iced coffee and a pastry ($1.50) and just get lost inside the wall. I go into too many churches to count, and spend a good chunk of time learning about Cartagena’s colonial history at the Palace of The Inquisition, which is now a museum ($6). On the way back, I stop at a grocery store and buy a Sprite (I’m so thirsty) and two apples so I have snacks in my room ($3).

2:30 p.m. — Hot tub time! It’s extremely hot, so I don’t even need to turn the thing on. And yet, it’s still refreshing. I text my boyfriend a selfie and a few shots of the roof view. After my trying run this morning, this is exactly what I need. 

6 p.m. — Wedding time! The ceremony and the party is held on the roof of the hotel. I cry a little seeing my friend coming down the aisle at sunset. During the cocktail hour, I just drink seltzer. I have finally learned that I cannot drink during the cocktail hour at weddings; I can’t tell you how many weddings I’ve been to where I end up the drunkest person there because I drink too much during that evil open bar period. Then, by the time dinner rolls around I’m too drunk to even be hungry, and then things get really sloppy.

7 p.m. — I eat the delicious vegetarian ceviche and mushroom risotto, paired with lots of red wine. Yum.

10 p.m. — After dinner, I do Tequila shots with everyone at the table. Then with the bride and groom. I move on to Cuba Libres and lose count of how many I’ve had. It’s stiflingly hot up here, even with the sun down, and everyone is drenched in sweat on the dance floor. I try to drink water after each alcoholic drink, but after another round of tequila shots with a group of new friends, I just quit.

Daily Total: $10.50

Bonus: Morning of Day Eight 

9 a.m. — Plot twist: Somehow, I’m not hungover. It’s a miracle! Especially considering I’m not sure what time I got back here last night? It turns out this is the way to avoid a hangover: avoid cocktail hour, eat dinner, and then sweat it all out on the dance floor before you sleep.

Weekly total: $714.62

Reflection: Making time for my family, traveling, seeing old friends, and making new ones are all just as important to my wellness routine as eating healthy, doing my workouts, and seeing my therapist. Everything I do, I do because I truly enjoy it and it makes me feel good — even running in the heat hungover — and I think that’s the key to real wellness: Do what you want when you want. 

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On a rendez-vous dans 25 minutes. Mon téléphone sonne. C’est mon amie, Julie. « Désolée, j’ai un imprévu. On peut remettre ça à une autre fois ? » Dans les films (et les magazines…), ce genre de comportement fait sourciller. Si c’était un scénario de rom-com, Julie serait cette amie qui est une vraie catastrophe ambulante, qui a du mal à s’engager, toujours décoiffée, jamais très fiables.

Mais Julie, c’est moi. Je suis une Julie. On est des adultes. On sait qu’on a des emplois du temps chargés. Et que si l’une ou l’autre d’entre nous a besoin d’annuler un rendez-vous, même à la dernière minute, ce n’est pas un problème.

On nous dit souvent qu’il faut être prêt à tout lâcher pour ses amis. Un·e ami·e sur qui on ne pourrait pas compter serait une personne qui ne pense qu’à elle. Mais Julie et moi, on a une relation « superficielle » et ça nous va bien comme ça. Elle n’est pas ma seule amie du genre d’ailleur. Je compte parmi mes ami·e·s de nombreuses personnes charmant·e·s, occupé·e·s, chaotiques et peu fiables, et ça ne me pose absolument aucun problème. Une fois, une amie a annulé un week-end la veille de notre départ. Cela n’a pas empêché les autres de profiter du voyage. Un ami et moi avons déjà changé nos plan de nous retrouver quatre fois cette semaine et c’est très bien comme ça. Une autre amie m’a même parlé de son repas d’anniversaire après l’événement, en disant : « J’aurais vraiment aimé que tu viennes, mais je savais que tu serais très occupée, alors je ne t’ai même pas invitée. » Certains auraient été blessés, mais je savais que ça ne la dérangeait pas et moi non plus.

Un autre ami a appelé deux d’entre nous le jour même de son anniversaire pour savoir si nous étions libres et voulions nous retrouver spontanément pour le déjeuner. C’était parfait. Il savait parfaitement à qui il s’adressait et il a lancé l’invitation en conséquence.

Ce n’est pas comme Sarah (dont le nom a été changé), que j’ai rencontrée il y a quelques années et qui, depuis, essaye de s’incruster à toutes nos sorties. Elle est la bienvenue, bien sûr, et je l’invite toujours, mais le stress qu’implique le besoin de tout contrôler et planifier jusqu’à la dernière lettre, ça a l’effet de la kryptonite sur moi et en conséquence, je déteste trop m’impliquer dans notre amitié.

Vous vous dites peut-être que je suis une mauvaise amie. En tout cas, je ne pense pas que je le suis…. pas plus qu’une autre. Ceux qui sont le plus proches de moi diraient que je suis une personne attentionnée et prévenante et qu’ils aiment passer du temps avec moi. Je me souviens des anniversaires (la plupart du temps), j’invite à dîner et je suis toujours à l’heure — quand je n’annule pas.

La psychologue Karen Kwong dit que ces « amitiés superficielles » sont utiles : « Ce genre d’amitiés est facile à vivre et légère, ce qui signifie généralement qu’elles évitent le stress et la pression, en revanche elles sont fun, pratiques et fortes en camaraderie. Peu de planification est nécessaire et donc vous êtes sûre d’avoir quelqu’un à traîner à une expo d’art sans avoir à entendre parler de la maladie de sa mère et à quel point ça la rend triste. » Dur ? « Pas vraiment, répond Kwong, parfois on n’a pas envie d’entendre parler de quelque chose d’aussi intense lors d’une soirée entre amis. »

Les amitiés superficielles peuvent offrir toutes sortes d’avantages, dit Kwong : Vous pouvez faire différentes choses ensemble et obtenir de nouvelles perspectives parce que vous n’avez pas d’« habitudes » avec cette personne, vous devenez une personne libre et facile à vivre qui peut oublier ses problèmes le temps d’une nuit et cette personne n’a pas d’idée préconçue de qui vous êtes et ce que vous pensez. »

Par définition, une amitié superficielle signifie que très peu de choses sont attendues de vous. Les amitiés à enjeux élevés peuvent entraîner des disputes, de la colère, des larmes, comme pour un chagrin d’amour. J’entends des histoires d’amitiés qui ont pris fin parce qu’une partie n’a pas réussi à tout lâcher et à faire 200 km pour assister à un baptême, des amitiés qui se brisent car une personne n’a pas envoyé une carte de Noël trois années consécutives (ça pourrait être moi). Qui a besoin de ce genre de pression dans une amitié ? Cependant, soutient Kwong, » la beauté de ces amitiés « solides » peut aussi être de savoir que vous avez cette « personne » qui sera à vos côtés durant les bons et les mauvais moments de la vie. » 

Kwong (et moi) pensons que les amitiés « superficielles » ont autant de valeur que les amitiés « solides ». Cependant, ajoute-t-elle, « il faut être conscient que ces personnes sont frivoles. Donc, si vous invitez quelqu’un à quelque chose et que vous savez qu’il est essentiel qu’il arrive à l’heure — ou qu’il arrive tout court —  alors peut-être qu’un·e ami·e frivole n’est pas le meilleur choix. Cependant, s’il s’agit d’aller boire un verre entre amis, invitez l’ami qui est habituellement prêt à passer un bon moment et apportera une dynamique différente à l’événement. » 

Je ne dis pas qu’il n’y a pas d’amis pour qui je laisserais tout tomber, et bien sûr j’ai des amis dont je suis plus proche que d’autres, mais j’accorde certainement autant d’importance aux deux types d’amis. En fait, l’un des amis que j’aime le plus au monde est quelqu’un à qui je n’ai pas parlé depuis des semaines. Toutefois, je sais que lorsqu’on réussira à se voir pour rattraper le temps perdu, on passera un moment de qualité tous les deux.

Contrairement aux relations amoureuses, on évoque rarement les limites de l’amitié, souligne Kwong. « Au lieu de cela, on devrait se fier aux indices sociaux et aux comportements pour les comprendre. » Essentiellement, explique-t-elle, « lorsque certaines choses vous rendent mal à l’aise, c’est une indication que vous ne voyez pas l’amitié de la même manière. Et c’est à ce moment là qu’il faut en parler afin d’être sûr d’obtenir ce dont vous attendez de cette amitié. »

Je pense que c’est le point crucial pour moi. Ne comptez pas sur moi pour jouer le rôle de compagnon de vie qui assistera à la célébration des six mois de votre bébé ou qui est prête à tout plaquer pour se rendre à Rhodes pour votre deuxième mariage. Voyez-moi plutôt comme la personne qui vient dîner de temps en temps ou qui vous accompagnera avec plaisir à un concert, mais aussi celle qui partira en courant si elle vous entend dire : « Faisons ça tous les mois ! »

«Parfois, c’est facile de se dire qu’on a rencontré sa nouvelle BFF au début d’une amitié, » explique Kwong. « Mais comme toutes les choses qui en valent la peine dans la vie, vous apprendrez qu’on n’attend pas tous la même chose d’une amitié. Ces ami·e·s là seront ravi·e·s de vous accompagner à votre prochain concert, mais si vous passez une mauvaise journée, ne vous attendez pas à ce qu’ils lâchent le concert pour venir vous écouter parler de vos problèmes. Ou peut-être vous écouteront-ils mais tenteront de vous aider de la mauvaise manière. » Vous savez quoi ? Moi, ça me va bien comme ça.

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Welcome to Money Diaries, where we’re tackling what might be the last taboo facing modern working women: money. We’re asking millennials how they spend their hard-earned money during a seven-day period — and we’re tracking every last dollar.

Attention, Canadians! We’ll be featuring Money Diaries from across Canada on a regular basis, and we want to hear from you. Submit your Money Diary here.

Today: a lawyer working in healthcare who makes $102,000 per year and spends some of her money this week on oysters.

Occupation: Lawyer
Industry: Healthcare
Age: 27
Location: Toronto, ON
Salary: $102,000
Paycheque Amount (2x/month): $2,818
Gender Identity: Woman

Monthly Expenses
Rent: $1,400 (I split a $2,800 rent with my partner.)
Student Loans: $975 (I split this total between student and personal lines of credit. Law school was $160,000!)
RRSP: $600
Netflix Premium Family Subscription: $16.99
Spotify: $9.99
TTC Pass: $151.15
Headspace Meditation App: $17.99
Apple News+: $12.99

Day One

7:30 a.m. — I usually wake up earlier, but I’m currently riding a depressive episode as effectively as I can. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar, which I’ve had for a hearty chunk of my life, and I find some weeks more challenging than others. I’m lucky to have this position in the health sector. I used to work in corporate and made way more money, but ended up with an addiction issue. I’m one year clean! I finally pop out of bed, get ready, and pick up a double shot of espresso on ice from Starbucks. $4.25

12:30 p.m. — I’ve been at work since 9 a.m., and it’s now time for lunch. After blowing about  $40,000 on my addiction over the past three years, I’ve had to learn how to be smart with money and try not to appease my manic episodes. Meal prep in the form of bento boxes has been a blessing. I enjoy cooking, so I’ve brought basmati rice, zereshk polo (Persian chicken), and salad. Our office supplies free coffee, which I nab every few hours. I catch up on Toronto Life magazine via Apple News while eating.

6:30 p.m. — My best friend has been teaching in Japan for years, and he is back! We love our wine, so we take advantage of a local bar’s half-price deal. I’m pals with the team at this bar, so we get a couple of extra sips of a new gin they’ve imported. We also munch an extra-large charcuterie board while updating each other for the next five hours. It’s my treat tonight. $146.60

Daily Total: $150.85

Day Two

10:30 a.m. — I’ve got today off. My mother texts me and asks me to pay for the cellphone bill. I’m still on my parents’ family plan, so the three of us take turns paying, and it’s my month. I put on Debussy on Spotify and make tea to start my day. Classical music is a must for the morning! $233

2:30 p.m. — My boyfriend is awaiting his visa, so he’s back in the U.S. until later this fall. We spend the next five hours on FaceTime watching Dragon’s Den and Jensplaining, a fantastic new show hosted by a gynecologist named Jen Gunter. It’s especially fun to watch together because my boyfriend is very supportive of my sexual education goals. I grew up in a super-strict Catholic Filipino-Persian family and had a traumatic experience that I’ve been dealing with via therapy. I realize that even a show like Jensplaining has therapeutic benefit for me, and I pay for a month of CBC Gem so that I can watch all 10 episodes. There’s leftover chicken and rice, so I heat it up and plop down to binge the rest of the season. $7.99

8:30 p.m. — I catch up over tea with my brother, who is living with my parents at the moment. I moved out at 17, when he was living the teenage-angst life, and our relationship is now slowly growing closer. I finally tell him about my own personal journey and there are tears shed. We come to the realization that having immigrant parents who didn’t acknowledge mental health was the basis of our issues growing up, so we make a pact to ensure that, when we both have families, we will offer sound judgement and open communication to our kids — those will be the pillars of our home environments.

Daily Total: $240.99

Day Three

7:30 a.m. — I wake up this morning and have the worst bout of demotivation. I toast bread and pile on a good third of the cream cheese package, and contemplate the work day ahead. It’s crazy that I now work for the same institution that, just three years ago, helped me. I get really emotional in the shower thinking about that, then pull myself together, throw on my suit, and take an Uber to work ($12.55) since my contemplation lasted a good hour. Before heading inside, I grab my usual double shot on ice ($4.25). I’ve got back-to-back meetings and the cream cheese is now… settling in. $16.80

1:30 p.m. — I’m not slathering tons of cream cheese on toast anymore. I will save this for my days off. I pull out my bento box lunch, which consists of a kale salad, devilled eggs, and shredded turkey breast. I put Death Grips on Spotify and tune out the world before the next round of meetings begin.

7 p.m. — I’m home, and I’ve still got leftover kale salad and shredded turkey breast for dinner. I pour a glass of red wine and begin extensive skin care pampering. Once a week, I indulge in my Naturopathica Pumpkin Purifying Enzyme Peel, then slather on a deep cleansing clay mask from Kiehl’s. While it’s on, I pour myself another glass of wine and watch Dragon’s Den and FaceTime with my partner. Before knocking out, we have a good round of phone sex!

Daily Total: $16.80

Day Four

7:30 a.m. — Maybe it was the double face mask, or the red wine, or the phone sex — or maybe a combination of all three! — but my skin is beyond poppin’ this morning. I feel so good about my appearance today, which is rare. I make a cup of Earl Grey and take the bus to work. Maybe my coworkers can sense my confident energy, because they leave me two canned lattes instead of one! This is the start of a very good day. Today’s Spotify pick: Freddie Gibbs and Madlib.

2 p.m. — Sure enough, I’ve forgotten my lunch. I take to the streets for sashimi. I’m meeting up with my best friend later tonight, so I try not to overindulge. $22.99

3 p.m. — I spend my last few hours at a mental health clinic offering pro-bono advice to women who need legal guidance. It’s surreal to be on the opposite end of the table, but I’m humbled by the opportunity to ensure that all patients are given the control of their legal rights.

8:30 p.m. — My best friend and I order wine and oysters, as well as a charcuterie board. I should probably check my sodium levels but YOLO. We start with eight oysters and eventually end up with 16. I don’t know when that occurred, but the server is real friendly and we can’t say no. $66

12 a.m. — I get home, fill my teacup with a few scoops of ice cream and FaceTime my partner. After two episodes of Shark Tank, we fall asleep over the phone.

Daily Total: $88.99

Day Five

7:30 a.m. — I rush to work for a breakfast/lunch summit thing. This is going to be a long eight hours, but the food and tea are fantastic, so I don’t complain. 

12 p.m. — During break, I open Instacart and order groceries for tonight. My soul aches for home-cooking, and tonight I plan to make miso-glazed salmon with sabzi polo (herbed rice). How’s that for fusion? Persian rice dishes are usually made with basmati, which lasts a good few days in the fridge. I realize that this order will be hefty, but it’ll save me a good two weeks of grocery runs. $119.40

7 p.m. — Instacart arrives right on time for dinner. After I prep the food, it takes 40 minutes for the rice to cook, so I pour a glass of red wine and catch up on my reading. I’m currently finishing Homo Deus: A Brief History of Tomorrow by Yuval Noah Harari.

8:30 p.m. — After dinner, my partner and I FaceTime watch the second season of Mindhunter. It’s become one of our favourite series, although some of the crime scenes make me squeamish, so I open the Sephora app, then quickly close it. I must resist.

10:30 p.m. — Look, I haven’t purchased anything from Sephora for a good six weeks. I succumb to my impulse and purchase Burberry Lip Velvet in oxblood. It’s a Holy Grail item for me, and I’m running out. I also delude myself into thinking that my primer and setting powder will shortly need to be replenished. I take the faux-economic route and buy the travel-sized primer. $98.57

12 a.m. — Before heading to bed, I have one more nibble of my salmon and snack on kimchi, too. I make valerian tea, pop my meds, and put on my Headspace app for sleep. I check my Headspace stats and am reminded that I haven’t kept up my daily listening, so what was supposed to be relaxing has now made me restless. I put on the Sleepcast meditation and knock out.

Daily Total: $217.97

Day Six

8 a.m. — I have two paid days off to use, so this morning I’m headed to my therapy session. The wellness clinic that I go to also houses my psychiatrist, so I’ll be able to see both my psychologist and psychiatrist on the same day and get my meds refilled. I grab my double shot on ice, throw on an Erik Satie album, and march to get my wellness on lock. Trauma and coping mechanisms have haunted my existence for as long as I can remember, and I do have days where I feel as though all this therapy is doing nothing at all. My psychologist reminds me that I should remain grounded in the present moment and not ruminate heavily on the past choices I’ve made. I want to cry during this session but I can’t muster up the courage to do so. $4.85

1:45 p.m. — I take a long walk home, then order Japanese curry and a few rolls from Ubereats after telling myself that the leftover salmon and rice will be for dinner. While waiting for my food, I organize my fridge and peek at my laundry load, only to be horrified by how much I’ve got to wash. I think about my therapy session from earlier: There are things that are out of our control, and we shouldn’t punish ourselves by reliving our past choices with such harshness. I cycle through this mind state all the time. When I’m at work or a social function, I compartmentalize how I feel internally, so that I don’t come off weak or damaged. I quickly add all this to my Moleskine journal. $25

9:30 p.m. — I’ve been in bed for the majority of the evening and have no plans to get up. The apartment is clean, my bedsheets smell like divine linen, and my belly is stuffed. I forego the wine tonight and have water with lemon, mint, cucumber, and tons of ice cubes. I’m still pretty full from Ubereats, so I pamper myself with another face mask and fill my bathtub with eucalyptus bath salts. I FaceTime my partner shortly after, and we swing back into Dragon’s Den. If we don’t come up with a business venture by the end of our 13-season marathon, we will both be pissed

Daily Total: $29.85

Day Seven

9:30 a.m. — I wake up and set the intention to get my fitness on. I go for a nice brisk walk and, instead of stopping by for a coffee, I head back home to make it myself while reading the news. I do some journaling as my wellness day yesterday motivated me to write more. I make eggs and sausage for breakfast with cheese, cucumbers, and tomatoes. I’m channelling my inner Nigella Lawson.

3:30 p.m. — I head to my parents house to visit and take advantage of their swimming pool. We were never rich by any means, just lucky that the bungalow they bought came with a pool! I bring over a small Japanese cake as a peace offering, as well as Tupperware to take home tons of home-cooked food as my parents will cook for four times the guest count — we are four, so they serve enough for 16. I load up my Tupperware, pop it in the fridge, and remain at my parents for the rest of the day. I take a cat nap after my swim and cross my fingers and that my dad will drive me home. $20.55

10:30 p.m. — I’m back home, meal prepping my bento box for tomorrow. The fridge is packed full of food, and I’m ready to crawl into bed. I take 10 minutes for Headspace meditation, draw a bath, and settle in for the evening with Chopin. I FaceTime my partner, and we decide not to watch any shows. We’d rather just snore over the phone.

Daily Total: $20.55

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Susan Korn, the bubbly personality behind accessories brand Susan Alexandra, is the talk of New York Fashion Week. Her colorful jewelry and beaded bags have catapulted her into fashion superstardom, with everyone from influencers to celebrities pining for a Susan Alexandra original.

Following her NYFW debut last season, where she presented New York-themed accessories at a downtown bagel shop, Korn chose this season to throw an adult bat mitzvah. With 500 of her close friends and family gathered in a hotel room overlooking the Lower East Side, she also took the opportunity to share an important announcement: Susan Alexandra is officially launching ready-to-wear.

Along with a fresh stock of bags and jewelry, Susan Alexandra’s spring summer 2020 collection will introduce a small line of clothing. Fans can expect everything from fruit-themed dresses and fringe two-piece sets to neon pedal pushers and beaded crop tops. “When I sketch — or rather, doodle — it’s always clothes that I draw,” Korn told Refinery29 backstage before her NYFW presentation. “Ready-to-wear has always been something that I’ve wanted to do, but it was never time. This season, something clicked, and I was like duh, I have to do it.”

“I don’t think that you’re ever 100% ready to take on a huge project,” she explained. “I’m jumping into a big pond, so I just wanted to make a couple of pieces that I really felt excited about — things that I want to wear now and stuff that I wish I had for my bat mitzvah.” That included a Baz Bagel feast, pizzas with her name on them, and the lime green butterfly top and pedal pushers she wore.

“My bat mitzvah theme was ‘passion for fashion’ and here I am, years later as a fashion designer in New York, so this occasion really marks my change into womanhood. Launching this collection marks me becoming a woman and owning my shit. I’m owning my power. And what better way than a bat mitzvah to mark that change?”

To help her bring the capsule collection to life, Korn called in friend and seamstress, Todd Heim. “The way that I do everything is I ask myself who else can I reach out to who’s talented, gets my vision and is a pleasure to work with? In this case, my friend, Todd was perfect,” Korn explained. “He helped me actualize everything and sewed the first samples for the entire collection.”

Soon to be available on her website, the 15-piece debut collection is all under-$500 and just as vibrant, delightful, and IG-worthy as everything else the designer creates.

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Mein Mann und ich feiern dieses Jahr unseren zwölften Hochzeitstag. Wenn es soweit ist, werden wir uns genau zwölf Jahre und drei Monate kennen. Richtig gelesen: Wir haben etwa 12 Wochen nachdem wir uns kennengelernt haben geheiratet und nein, ich war nicht schwanger. Viele der großen Entscheidungen, die wir zusammen getroffen haben, passierten sehr schnell. Bei unserem allerersten Date haben wir zum Beispiel einen insgesamt 26-stündigen Roadtrip von Alabama nach Pennsylvania und wieder zurück gemacht, um ein Konzert von Beck zu sehen. Als wir dann wieder zu Hause angekommen waren, bin ich praktisch auch schon bei ihm eingezogen. Charmant, oder? Er fand das anscheinend ziemlich cool. Oder er war einfach nur zu höflich, mich rauszuschmeißen. Auf jeden Fall brachte ich irgendwann eine Kiste mit Platten und Büchern, meine Klamotten und meine Zahnbürste zu ihm und seitdem wohnen wir zusammen.

Die ersten drei Jahre unserer Ehe waren fantastisch. Wir fuhren nach Indien, beendeten unser Studium, wurden Eltern. Ich baute mein Fotografie-Business auf und wir zogen quer durch’s halbe Land in eine neue Stadt. Und wir fanden heraus, dass das echte Leben eine ganz schöne Herausforderung sein kann. Aber wir hatten immer ein Lächeln auf den Lippen – selbst, als unserem Sohn verschiedene gesundheitliche Diagnosen gestellt wurden und wir unser Leben auf einmal nach monatlichen Trips in eine Spezialklinik ausrichten mussten.

Und dann kam das vierte Ehejahr. Und das fünfte. Und das sechste. Und die waren zum Großteil beschissen. Mein Mann zog aus, dann zog er wieder ein. Wir stellten fest, wie passiv-aggressiv wir beide sein konnten. Ein besonders krasser Streit begann, als ich entdeckt hatte, dass mein Mann die Innenseiten unserer Schränke mit kleinen Labeln versehen hatte, auf denen stand, welche Utensilien dort aufbewahrt werden dürfen. In dem Moment rastete ich komplett aus.

Ein Grund für unsere Eheprobleme war sicher, dass wir sehr jung waren (22 und 21) als wir geheiratet haben. Zu diesem Zeitpunkt hatten wir beide noch keine richtigen erwachsenen Beziehungen geführt gehabt. Dazu kamen ganz normale Alltagsprobleme, die entstanden, weil wir nicht richtig miteinander kommunizierten. Last, but not waren da noch die Schuldgefühle, die Ängste und die Fragen die aufkamen, weil wir ein Kind mit besonderen medizinischen Bedürfnissen großzogen.

Irgendwie haben wir es trotzdem auf wundersame Art und Weise geschafft, das alles hinter uns zu lassen und führen mittlerweile eine sehr glückliche Ehe. Und wenn ich glücklich sage, meine ich, dass es sich so anfühlt als wären wir wieder auf Wolke sieben – umgeben von Sonnenschein und Regenbogenherzen. Ich bekomme regelmäßig weiche Knie und schaue wie ein frisch verknallter Teenie, wenn ich meinen Mann sehe oder auch nur an ihn denke. Und das, obwohl ich es vor ein paar Jahren nicht mal mehr aushielt, im selben Zimmer wie er zu sein und dieselbe Luft wie er zu atmen. Ich liebe diesen Typen einfach über alles. Die gute Nachricht ist: Während ich mich durch die zwei schlimmsten Jahre meines Lebens geschleppt habe, haben ich sehr viel gelernt – über Beziehungen, Ehen und wie man schwierige Zeiten übersteht. Und das alles möchte ich jetzt mit dir teilen.

Krankheitsfälle in der Familie

Die erste Lektion, die ich gelernt habe, hat mit einer für uns extrem wichtigen Sache zu tun. Es geht um etwas, das viele Familien durchmachen, wenn ein Familienmitglied krank wird – Mutter, Sohn, egal wer es ist. Als wir erfuhren, unser Sohn hat Zerebraleparese (Kinderlähmung), haben wir beide heimlich etwa ein Jahr lang gedacht, der andere könnte der Grund für die Diagnose sein. Natürlich glaubten wir keinesfalls, dass es Absicht war! Aber dennoch war ich davon überzeugt, mein Mann hätte das Gehirn unseres Sohnes beschädigt, als er zu heftig mit unserem Baby, das mit Koliken kämpfte, getanzt hatte. Mein Mann machte sich dagegen Sorgen, um dieses eine Mal, als ich unseren Sohn auf dem Arm hatte und er beim Laufen leicht an eine Wand gestoßen war. Wie sich herausstellte, waren beide Annahmen falsch. Ich habe Hunderte von Seiten medizinischer Berichte gelesen und alle möglichen Dinge über meine Schwangerschaft und die Geburt herausgefunden – inklusive dem Fakt, dass der Grund für die Kinderlähmung etwas war, das im Uterus passiert war. Doch das wussten wir zu dem Zeitpunkt nicht also gaben wir uns gegenseitig die Schuld.

Wir haben Glück im Unglück, denn die Krankheit ist bei unserem Sohn nicht so stark ausgeprägt. Also verbringen wir nicht jede freie Minute im Krankenhaus, wie es andere Familien tun. Trotzdem gehörten Krankenhaus- und Arztbesuche zu unserem Alltag und das beeinflusste auch unsere Partnerschaft. Es kann schneller gehen als man denkt, dass man auf einmal kein Ehepaar mehr ist und auch kein Individuum, sondern nur noch die Eltern des kranken Kindes. Ich habe viele Paare gesehen, denen es so erging, während ich in Warteräumen saß. Eltern, die sich derartigen Herausforderungen stellen müssen, die so viel durchmachen, entwickeln irgendwann eine Kluft zwischen sich und der Außenwelt. Sie sind keine Partner mehr, sie sind Soldat*innen, die gegen eine Krankheit kämpfen, die das Leben ihres Kindes erschwert oder sogar bedroht. Und das ist komplett verständlich! Ein Kind zu haben, das mit etwas kämpft, das absolut angsteinflößend und kräftezehrend ist, kann dich auffressen.

Mein Mann und ich haben gemeinsam versucht, unserem Sohn dabei zu helfen, sich zuversichtlich, stark und mutig zu fühlen. Und irgendwann haben mein Mann und ich beide das Gleiche gefühlt. Was uns persönlich dabei geholfen hat, keinen Abgrund um uns herum zu schaffen ist, dass wir uns gegenseitig immer wieder daran erinnert haben, wer wir sind und was wir einander bedeuten. Selbst eine kleine Geste wie Händchen halten oder sich bei einem schwierigen Arzttermin tief in die Augen blicken kann eine große Wirkung haben. Dadurch sagst du: „Hey. Wir schaffen das zusammen. Du bist nicht allein damit.“ Und das ist etwas sehr Kraftvolles.

Richtig kommunizieren

Diesen Tipp hast du bestimmt schon tausend Mal in Büchern, Zeitschriften oder online gelesen. Meiner Meinung nach wird er deswegen ständig wiederholt, weil er einfach wahr ist. Wichtig ist aber, folgendes zu verstehen: „Richtig kommunizieren“ bedeutet nicht, immer nur nette Sachen zu sagen, wenn ihr miteinander redet! Es geht darum, dich selbst zu fragen, was du wirklich fühlst und warum du es fühlst und dann einen Weg zu finden, wie du das mit deinem Gegenüber teilen kannst.

Eine der bisher größten Herausforderungen ist es für mich, nicht immer gleich zu kontern, wenn mir mein Mann sagt, wenn ihn etwas das ich gemacht oder gesagt habe verletzt hat oder so einfach nicht geht. Wenn er mich zum Beispiel früher gebeten hat, die Schubladen richtig zu machen und nicht nur halb, habe ich mir direkt irgendetwas einfallen lassen, was er bitte ab sofort anders machen soll. Aber so langsam lernen wir, die Ehe ist kein Wettbewerb. Und keiner von uns beiden hat tatsächlich Lust darauf, eine Liste zu führen, wer dem anderen mehr auf den Sack geht. Herauszufinden, was du fühlst und wieso du es fühlst ist ein wichtiger Schritt, wenn du generell ein selbstkritischer Mensch werden möchtest. Erst, wenn du dich selbst kennst, bist du wirklich bereit, jemand anderen kennenzulernen. Aber es ist schon irgendwie lustig, wie lange wir gebraucht haben, um zur Wurzel unserer Kommunikationsprobleme zu gelangen.

Ich bin damit großgeworden, dass ein Elternteil ständig von dem anderen beschimpft wurde, weil es den Ansprüchen nie wirklich gerecht wurde. Deswegen ist der Haushalt auch ein sehr sensibles Thema für mich und ich bin super empfindlich wenn mir mein Ehemann sagt, unser Zuhause wäre nicht sauber genug (auch, wenn die haushaltlichen Pflichten 45/45/10 in unserer Familie verteilt werden). In der Vergangenheit habe ich sofort dichtgemacht, wenn ich mich angegriffen gefühlt habe. Jetzt habe ich gelernt, zu sagen, wenn ich mich ungerecht behandelt oder verurteilt fühle. Ich versuche dann auch zu erklären, woher meine Gefühle kommen – und die haben tatsächlich selten etwas damit zu tun, auf welche Art und Weise sich mein Mann ausgedrückt hat.

Passiv-aggressiv

Erinnerst du dich noch an die Label, von denen ich dir erzählt habe? Auch wenn sie der Auslöser für einen Megastreit waren, waren sie natürlich nur die Spitze des Eisbergs und nicht der alleinige Grund. Mein Mann und ich sind beide ziemlich vernünftige Menschen. Wir sind lieb, respektvoll, neugierig, höflich und versuchen, bescheiden zu sein, was unsere Gedanken und Taten angeht. Doch das Blatt wendet sich, sobald wir uns verletzt oder in eine Ecke gedrängt fühlen. Dann werden wir auf einmal passiv-aggressiv und das ist scheiße. Ich glaube wir dachten beide wir wären keine Monster, weil wir uns ja nicht anschrien oder körperlich verletzten. Aber Wörter können dich auch kaputt machen.

Anstatt uns hinzusetzen und darüber zu reden, was gerade gut und was schieflief und was uns beschäftigte, verbrachten wir einen Großteil unserer Zeit damit, gemein zueinander zu sein. Heute können gelingt es uns dagegen tausendmal besser, alles offen anzusprechen und uns dabei auch noch in die Augen schauen zu können. Ja, das macht uns verletzbar. Aber genau das langsam schätzen wir mittlerweile sogar. Ich denke, es ist extrem wichtig, ein Umfeld zu schaffen, in dem sich beide wohl damit fühlen, alle Gedanken und Gefühle zu teilen. Ich glaube das ist die Basis einer funktionierenden Ehe.

Respektvoller Umgang

Es klingt einfach, aber dennoch gibt es viele Paare, die sich gegenseitig nicht den gebührenden Respekt erweisen. Sean und ich haben vor langer Zeit beschlossen, keine Witze über den anderen zu machen und uns auch nicht gegenseitig zu beleidigen – selbst im Scherz würden wir nie sowas wie „Dummkopf“ oder „Blödie“ sagen. Wie wichtig dieser Pakt ist, ist mir er dann wirklich bewusstgeworden, als unsere Beziehung am Boden war. In den ersten Jahren war es einfach, respektvoll miteinander umzugehen. Die Liebe war schließlich noch frisch und unser Verhalten spiegelte unsere Gefühle wider. Warum hätte ich mich über ihn (vor Freund*innen) lustig machen sollen? Ich liebe diesen Typen doch! Es gab keinen Grund, Scherze auf seine Kosten zu machen. Doch als es mit der Beziehung dann bergab ging, machte ich mich ständig über ihn lustig. Das war meine Art Dampf abzulassen. Wirklich besser ging es mir danach jedoch selten. Im Gegenteil: Jedes Mal, wenn ich etwas Negatives, Rachsüchtiges oder Gemeines über meinen Ehemann gesagt hatte, fühlte ich mich schrecklich. Selbst in Zeiten, in denen ich nicht mal mehr im selben Raum sein konnte wie er, ging es mir schlecht, nachdem ich ihn beschimpft hatte – auch, wenn ich es hinter seinem Rücken getan hatte. Es tat mir weh, so negativ gegenüber der Person zu sein, mit der ich verheiratet war. Als wir dann irgendwann beschlossen, uns noch eine Chance zu geben und an unseren Problemen zu arbeiten, habe ich viel Zeit damit verbracht, mich für Dinge zu entschuldigen, von denen mein Mann noch nicht mal etwas wusste. Das fühlte sich eigenartig, aber gleichzeitig auch sehr gut an.

Der Kinder wegen

Viele Menschen und Medien werden dir sagen, ihr solltet nicht der Kinder wegen zusammenbleiben. Doch ich weiß auch, dass die Sache nicht so einfach ist, wenn man selbst in der Situation ist. Meine Eltern haben aus zwei Gründen erst viel zu spät Schluss gemacht: Meine Mutter hatte keine wirkliche Alternative (mein Vater hatte die Kontrolle über das Geld und nannte sie nutzlos und es viel ihr extrem schwer, ihm nicht zu glauben) und die beiden hatten vier gemeinsame Kinder.

Verheiratet zu bleiben, weil man vermeintlich keine wirkliche Alternative hat, war bei mir dagegen nie ein Thema: Ich konnte mir gut vorstellen, eine super Single-Mama zu sein, die alles super hinbekommt und super alleine klarkommt. Aber die Vorstellung, irgendeine Art von mentaler Belastung an meinen Sohn weiterzugeben, war beängstigend. Auch, wenn ich mich persönlich damals sogar darüber gefreut hatte, als sich meine Eltern getrennt haben. Aber mein Vater hatte meine Mutter auch misshandelt und war einfach generell schrecklich also kann man ihre kaum mit meiner Ehe vergleichen.

Ihr seid vernünftige Erwachsene und habt euch nach reiflicher Überlegung dazu entschlossen, euch zu trennen, weil ihr festgestellt habt, dass euch die Beziehung nicht mehr guttut? Dann bin ich mir sicher, dass ihr auch alles tun werdet, damit eure Kinder nicht unter der Situation leiden werden. So traurig es auch ist, dass es nicht funktioniert hat, nutzt die Chance eurem Nachwuchs zu zeigen, wie man erwachsen, respektvoll und friedlich mit der Situation umgeht. Würdet ihr in diesem Fall zusammenbleiben, würden das eure Sprösslinge auf jeden Fall irgendwie mitbekommen – bewusst oder unterbewusst. Nutzt ihr die Kinder jedoch nur als Vorwand, nicht miteinander Schluss machen zu können, weil ihr eigentlich noch Gefühle für einander habt, lohnt es sich vielleicht, dem Ganzen noch eine Chance zu geben und an euch zu arbeiten.

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Was ich gerne vor meiner Hochzeit gewusst hätte

Warum bin ich nach der Hochzeit so unglücklich?

Hochzeitskleider aus aller Welt

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Jennifer Lopez’s entrance in Hustlers is the movie embodiment of the “run me over” celebrity meme. Wearing a spangly silver, fringed thong bodysuit, she takes the stage for her solo performance. The camera follows her, tracing her graceful and powerful movements, as entranced as the audience by her magnetic presence. It’s a seductive scene — after all, Ramona (Lopez) is a professional stripper. But there’s none of the lecherous lewdness, of the drooling, lascivious gaze we’ve come to associate moments. Instead, it’s an empowering celebration of a woman in her 50s pulling off a feat of strength and athleticism — and looking damn good doing it. 

Hustlers, at its core, is a movie much more interested in the relationships women have with each other than those they sustain with the men around them. Directed and written by Lorene Scafaria, and based on a 2015 New York magazine article by Jessica Pressler, it’s a thrilling story filtered through the female gaze — and all the more commanding for it. 

In a tribute to its source material, Hustlers’ narrative is anchored in a 2014 interview between a reporter (Julia Stiles), and her source, former stripper Destiny (Constance Wu), who describes how — along with mentor and friend Ramona — she became a ringleader in a con to scam rich Wall Street clients in the aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis. 

The two women meet in 2007, when Ramona takes Destiny, a new addition to a Midtown Manhattan strip club, under her wing, in the most dramatic of ways. They’ve barely spoken six words to each before Ramona is literally and figuratively lifting up half of her enormous fur coat, offering its warmth to Destiny. Thus, a sisterhood is born. With Ramona by her side, a new world of designer clothes, fabulous penthouse apartments, and most importantly, financial independence, seems open to her. But at the peak of their prosperity on the pole, Destiny gets pregnant, and America is hit with the 2008 financial crisis, making it near impossible for a single mom to find a job.

By 2011, Destiny is forced to go back to what she knows — except nothing is the same. With the economy in shambles, rich finance guys are no longer flocking to strip clubs. That’s when she reunites with Ramona, with whom she’d lost touch over the years. Together, they put together a crew, and a plan, to hustle former clients and targets out of hundreds of thousands of dollars, beating the crooks at their own game. And if that includes a dubious concoction of molly and ketamine and maxed out corporate credit cards, resulting in bloody businessmen and slurred social security numbers, then so be it. 

Hustlers’ selling point may be its dazzling ensemble cast — Lizzo, Cardi B., Trace Lysette, Keke Palmer and Lili Reinhart co-star, among others — but Lopez and Wu are undoubtedly its power-center. The former is mesmerizingly good, doling out catch-phrases and advice like a protective den mother. Ramona is the kind of person everyone naturally gravitates towards, like sunflowers bending towards the sun, quickly wilting once she loses interest. She’s wild and maternal, loving and fierce, protective, and dangerous. It’s the role Lopez was born to play, and if the Academy has any sense, there’ll be some Oscar chatter in her future. As for Wu, she grounds Destiny in a touching emotional quest for validation. As the daughter of Cambodian immigrants whose only remaining family is the ailing grandmother who raised her, you can feel her excitement  when she’s suddenly welcomed into an adoptive tribe, ready to support her at every turn — and how much she’d be ready to sacrifice to keep it.

The smart dialogue and hilarious details of the film is what makes the cast really shine. There are so many layers of delight involved in watching J.Lo as Ramona jamming to Britney Spears’ “Gimme More,” in a Cadillac Escalade. Same goes for Cardi B.’s performance as Diamond, a no-nonsense stripper from the Bronx who teaches Destiny the trick to a perfect lap dance (“Drain the clock, not the cock”), Riverdale darling Lili Reinhart’s stress-induced vomit reflex, or Lizzo busting out her flute backstage. Rather than detract from the larger story, these tiny moments add to the myth. What’s more, Scafaria does an impressive job of recreating an era that’s just distant enough for nostalgia, while also fresh in many memories. Is there anything more 2007 than Usher showing up at a strip club? Or, Ramona designing an all-denim swim collection? (Shoutout to Mitchell Travers’ fabulous costumes, which nail the era’s fascination with rhinestones and massive hoop earrings.)

Still, what truly raises the bar for Hustlers is the way Scafaria subtly weaves in the female gaze, with the help of a nearly all-female crew. Kayla Emter’s editing, which gave us J.Lo’s powerful opening scene, is just one element at play. Another is that we know barely any of the names of the dozens men who waft in an out of these women’s lives.They simply don’t matter in the context of this story. It’s rare that we get to see groups of women just be, in a way that feels lived in and authentic. One scene, during a Christmas party held at Ramona’s sumptuous apartment at the height of their con’s success, is ostensibly there to showcase the kind of wealth these women now have access to. But more than anything, what comes across is the joyous, raucous fun that a group of female friends can have together, without the fighting, drama or backstabbing that usually creeps into on-screen portrayals. Of course, some of that does come later, but even then, it’s not without complexity. 

What comes through in this movie is a ferocious rage at the status quo, a desire to even the playing field for a slice of the population that’s repeatedly discounted and discarded, that feels very in tune with our current times, despite the action taking place nearly a decade ago. Women are angry, and this movie not only understands that and gives us an outlet to channel it, but also offers a joyful, celebratory respite from it. 

“The game is rigged,” Ramona says in an effort to justify drugging and stealing from man after man, often risking their lives in the process. And even if you know what they’re doing is wrong, she’s more than a little convincing.This is a tale of those too often on the losing side. Is it so bad for us to hope they win? That willingness to operate in those grey areas, the murky abyss between right and wrong, friendship and rivalry, love and hate, is what keeps Hustlers from veering into total wish fulfillment. That said, if it had just been about J.Lo. wrapping Constance Wu safely in her giant fur and waving cash in the air, that would have been enough. Dayenu!

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Since chopping off his trademark Jean-Michel Basquiat-inspired freeform locs in 2016, the Weeknd hasn’t really veered away from his tapered Afro haircut. At the time, the singer (née Abel Tesfaye) told The Wall Street Journal that his hair got in the way of his beauty rest. “I could only sleep on one side of my face. Now the sleep is amazing, the shower is amazing because I don’t have to spend two hours cleaning it,” he said. 

However, on Monday night at the Toronto Independent Film Festival, the Weeknd showed up with a different hairstyle and new facial hair. He was at the event to attend the premiere of Uncut Gems, a feature film in which he makes his first big-screen acting debut.

Instead of a high-top fade, Tesfaye sported a considerably larger, angular Afro, which was shorter along the back and sides. He also nixed his beard for a horseshoe mustache, which Twitter fans quickly compared to the famous ‘staches of Lionel Richie, Bruno Mars, and El DeBarge.

The singer’s new look comes a month after reports that he and supermodel Bella Hadid have ended their relationship — but don’t call it a break-up makeover. Some fans consider the new style as confirmation that a new album is on the way.

Based on his Starboy big chop, The Weeknd’s look could be symbolic of a new creative phase, or it could just simply be an itch to switch things up. Either way, we’re here for it.

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Dieser Artikel erschien zuerst bei im gegenteil!

Hast Du einen Traum, den Du unbedingt umsetzen möchtest, der Dich die Zeit um Dich herum vergessen lässt und Dir dieses wunderbare Gefühl von grenzenloser Fülle gibt? Aber im Gedankenszenario folgt dann immer gleich “was ist nur, wenn es nicht klappt und ich versage?”

Und so bleibst Du inaktiv, gehst täglich zu Deinem regulären Job, der Dich zum Gähnen bringt, freust Dich schon am Montag auf das Wochenende und wenn Du dann endlich Urlaub hast, vergeht dieser viel zu schnell vorbei?

Ich kann Dich beruhigen: Du kannst nicht versagen!

“Vielleicht stolperst Du und hast eine Schürfwunde am Knie (oder am Ellbogen), aber Du stehst wieder auf und gehst weiter.”

Wenn Du Deinen Traum aktiv umsetzt, kann folgendes passieren: Entweder hast Du das im Gefühl und es läuft von Anfang an, so wie Du es geplant hast. Was auch immer Du tust, es funktioniert einfach und Du bist vollkommen erfüllt und erfolgreich bis an Dein Lebensende. Oder Du stolperst und hast eine Schürfwunde am Knie (oder am Ellbogen), aber Du stehst wieder auf und gehst weiter. Jetzt weißt Du, dass Du an dieser Stelle Deine Füße heben musst, damit Du nicht wieder hinfällst.

Irgendwann bist Du im Wald und Du hast Dich verlaufen. Du weißt nicht mehr, wie Du zu Deinem Ziel kommst, aber das einzige, was Du tun kannst, ist Dich für eine Richtung zu entscheiden und weiterzugehen. Du kommst vielleicht ganz woanders raus, aber wenn Du die Orientierung zurück erlangt hast, weißt Du wieder, in welche Richtung Du gehen musst.

Und vielleicht kommst Du irgendwann in einen Sandsturm. Du siehst Deine eigene Hand vor Augen nicht mehr und Du hast das Gefühl, dass die ganze Welt gegen Dich ist. Du fragst Dich, warum ausgerechnet jetzt ein Sandsturm aufkreuzen muss? Also musst Du gezwungenermaßen warten, bis Du weiterlaufen kannst, aber dann läufst Du auch weiter.

“Und vielleicht kommst Du irgendwann in einen Sandsturm und Du musst gezwungenermaßen warten, bis Du weiterlaufen kannst, aber dann läufst Du auch weiter.”

Vielleicht bist Du irgendwann so erschöpft und müde, dass Du Dich ausruhen möchtest. Okay, kein Problem. Wenn Du wieder bei Kräften bist, dann geht es weiter.

Und was ist, wenn Du gar nicht mehr weiter willst und es Dir keinen Spaß mehr macht? Kein Problem, dann gehst Du nicht mehr weiter. Vielleicht willst Du zurück zu Deiner Stamm-Raststätte und dort einfach Dein Leben genießen oder Du bist an einem neuen Ort angekommen, der Dir so sehr gefällt, dass Du dort bleiben möchtest.

In allen Fällen kann Dir niemand die Erfahrungen nehmen, die Du auf dieser Reise gesammelt hast:

Die einzigartigen Sonnenaufgänge, die Du gesehen hast, die Sternschnuppen am klaren Nachthimmel, die neuen Freunde, die Du während Deiner Reise gemacht hast, die atemberaubende Natur, die Dir des öfteren ein Lächeln aufs Gesicht gezaubert hat – und und und.

“Das alles hättest Du nie gesehen, wenn Du dich nicht auf dem Weg zu Deinem Ziel begeben hättest.”

Das alles hättest Du nie gesehen, wenn Du dich nicht auf dem Weg zu Deinem Ziel begeben hättest. Also nochmal: Du kannst nicht versagen!

Es gibt Stolpersteine und Schürfwunden, Erfahrungen und neue Erkenntnisse, aber selbst wenn Du zu Deiner Stamm-Raststätte zurückkehrst, ist Dein Leben um so viel mehr bereichert.

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Prabal Gurung is here to take up space. As one of fashion’s top designers, he’s never shied away from using his platform to ignite change — and sometimes, that means making last-minute decisions that aren’t exactly convenient. 

This season, Gurung originally had plans to mark his 10th anniversary at New York Fashion Week with a show at Hudson Yards in Manhattan. It would have been the first fashion show at the newly opened venue, which has courted all sorts of controversy since its opening in March 2019. But in August, news broke that Stephen Ross — the businessman behind the real estate company that developed Hudson Yards — was planning to host a fundraiser for President Trump in the Hamptons. 

Gurung changed course. The Nepalese-American designer announced on social media that he was ending negotiations with Hudson Yards and would organise his show elsewhere. 

“For me, being an activist is a part of my identity,” Gurung tells Refinery29. “Under our current administration, we are living in a dangerous and divisive time. We all have to make a decision to be on the right side of history. I did this because it was the right thing to do for me.” 

Despite — or perhaps because of — that abrupt move, his spring 2020 ready-to-wear show went off seemingly without a hitch. The collection encompassed all that we’ve come to expect from Gurung: a kaleidoscope of colours, opulent patterns, multidimensional textures, striking silhouettes. 

Some models walked the runway with lush bouquets in tow, while others wore ornate floral headpieces that looked as though they’d just been freshly plucked from a nearby garden. Each piece was whimsical in its own right, yet not at all caricature-like — a feat emblematic of Gurung’s talent and eye for evocative design. 

“I am so pleased with how the collection has come together,” he says. “As always, this is an exciting time full of adrenaline and creative energy.” 

The real showstopper of the evening was the finale, where models stepped out donning sashes printed with the same question: Who gets to be an American? It’s a question that — for many immigrants and children of immigrants (including this writer) — is both unsettling and urgent. But Gurung, ever the master of balancing both nuance and extravagance, handles the moment with care and reverence. 

“I feel incredibly lucky to be able to do what I love every day,” he shares. “Designing collections for a strong and empowered clientele and creating impactful designs.” 

This year, he collaborated with NYFW’s official spirit partner, The Glenlivet 14 Year Old, to create a custom flask and flask bag in commemoration of his 10th anniversary of showing at Fashion Week.

“I approached the design similarly to how I approach my collections: with the intention to create something that is equally visually compelling as it is impactful,” he explains. “I find that there is a similar inclination toward craftsmanship between the worlds of fashion and luxury spirits. Whether you are designing a runway collection, or creating a bottle of scotch whiskey, they both involve a high level of skill.” 

So, how does it feel to hit that coveted 10-year mark? 

“I always seek to create meaning and incite emotion with every design,” Gurung says. “As I approach this milestone, I have taken the time to reflect and show my gratitude for being able to realise my American Dream over the course of the past decade.” 

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An outspoken, highly visible activist today, Alyssa Milano considers acting her day job.  But if you’re old enough to remember her breakout on 80s/early ‘90s sitcom Who’s the Boss, you know that she was a major tween-to-teen star: The girl who played Samantha Micelli (daughter to Tony Danza’s convention-defying manny/housekeeper) graced magazine covers, recorded pop albums and even released an exercise video, Teen Steam. But the New York City native’s precocious career in the spotlight was completely accidental, beginning at age 7 when she tagged along with her aspiring actress babysitter to auditions for a production of Annie.

“There were kids there on the stage singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and dancing, and [my babysitter] asked me if I wanted to audition,” Milano, now 46, recalls on this week’s UnStyled podcast.  “I had no Idea what that word meant. I was seven. I was my son’s age, and I knew 1,500 kids were there. Only four got picked, and I was one of the four.” That Milano subsequently managed to succeed and escape the serious perils of child stardom is a credit to her parents, she tells Christene Barberich, Refinery29’s global editor-in-chief and cofounder.  

“Raising a child in the entertainment industry was not the easiest thing in the world, and I think what they enabled was my own individuality,” says Milano, now a mother of two young kids herself.  “But also, there was no codependency there. [Give] a child enough space to really be who they were meant to be. I think it’s important to just accept it.”

Given that perspective, Milano says she wouldn’t forbid her own kids from pursuing show business careers if they wanted. “Who better than me to raise a child in this industry than someone who’s been through it? But luckily, as of right now, neither one of them are showing any signs of wanting to be actors.”

Just as young Alyssa showed a natural affinity for performing, she was similarly drawn to activist work and leveraging her celebrity for good in her teens.  “I got a phone call from Elton John saying that there was a little boy named Ryan White that wanted to meet me, that I was his role model,” she says. White, who died in 1990, was an HIV-positive teen-turned-activist after he was kicked out of his school due to early AIDS hysteria and misinformation.  “We became good friends, and I loved him very much,” Milano recalls of White, who asked her to kiss him on the Phil Donahue Show to prove that HIV-AIDS can’t be transmitted through casual contact. 

“That was the moment that I realised the power of having a platform, how it could affect positive change and how being a celebrity meant that there was a certain responsibility to be the voice of those that had no voice, and to fight for what I believed to be right,” she tells Barberich. 

Ever since, Milano has used that platform vigorously and consistently — more recently as a progressive warrior for the #MeToo movement, a passionate advocate for gun control and a leader of the 2020 Fund, which raises money for grassroots organisations to get out the vote in crucial battleground state ahead of the next Presidential election.  That means that Milano (host of her own podcast, Sorry, Not Sorry)  is constantly dealing with trolls on Twitter and elsewhere. But she’s unfazed.

“Dealing with trolls now at 46 is much easier than dealing with trolls at fifteen, in your face, telling me that I had HIV, AIDS and not being asked to the prom because people thought that I was HIV-positive because I kissed Ryan White on TV,” she reasons. “I have always understood that standing up for things means that you’re going to be uncomfortable. I don’t think now is any different. I think it’s shifted because you’re a lot more accessible with social media. So people have access.”

What also helps her cope is self-care — and a robust support network that includes pop-folk singer Jewel and Milano’s husband, CAA agent David Bulgari. “It upsets him. He trolls my trolls,” she says. “And he’s super proud of, like, when he gets them good.”

For the rest of Milano and Barberich’s chat — why Who’s the Boss was a trailblazer in more ways than one, why she hasn’t yet endorsed a candidate, and her childhood in NYC — listen to this week’s UnStyled podcast above and subscribe via Apple Podcasts today.

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Certes, il n’y pas de baguette magique capables de transformer votre peau en claquant des doigts. Mais il y a les peelings chimiques, qui ne sont pas trop loin du compte. Que vous présentiez de l’acné, des tâches d’hyperpigmentation ou des rides, tout ça peut être amélioré avec le bon peeling. Encore faut-il savoir vers quoi s’orienter. C’est pour ça qu’on vous a concocté cette liste des questions les plus communes sur le peelings aux acides de fruits. N’hésitez pas à nous partager vos retours d’expérience pour ceux·lles qui sauteront le pas !

Qu’est-ce qu’un peeling à l’acide glycolique ?

« L’acide glycolique est un acide alpha-hydroxylé utilisé pour réaliser un peeling chimique de la couche superficielle de la peau », nous dit le dermatologue Hadley King. « Les acides de fruits permettent de “dissoudre” les cellules mortes pour révéler une peau plus saine et douce sous la surface ».

L’acide glycolique est un dérivé du sucre de canne et est particulièrement préconisé pour traiter les signes de l’âge tel que l’hyperpigmentation, les rides et ridules et le vieillissement prématurée de la peau due à l’excès de soleil ou rayons UV. C’est aussi un très bon choix pour traiter les cicatrices d’acné peu profondes. » nous dit l’assistante médicale Tamila Deveny dans un cabinet de dermatologie à New York. Il y a cette idée reçue que les peelings aggressent tellement la peau que vous risquez de vous retrouver avec le visage en sang, comme Samantha dans cet épisode de Sex and The City où elle ressort défiguré d’un peeling en cabinet.

Comment réalise-t-on un peeling à l’acide glycolique ?

« On commence par appliquer une fine couche de produit sur la peau. Le produit sera enlevé quelques instants après, généralement seulement après quelques secondes. Tout dépend de la concentration en acide du produit » nous dit le Dr. Hadley. Après ça, on va neutraliser le produit avec une solution apaisante, puis retirer le produit de la peau. Après ça, la peau va se mettre à peler. Certaines peaux réagissent très bien au traitement et ne pèleront que très peu, mais encore une fois, tout va dépendre de la concentration en acide du produit. L’idée, c’est de causer une réaction chimique qui va forcer la peau à se régénérer, et donc booster la production de collagène au passage. » nous dit Hadley.

« Avec un peeling léger donc, la peau ne pèlera pas beaucoup, tandis qu’un peeling plus intensif va entraîner un pelage continu de la peau, parfois sur une semaine. » Un peeling à l’acide glycolique ne devrait pas être douloureux, encore moins insupportable. « La plupart du temps, on ressent une sensation de picotements pendant que le produit est sur la peau » nous dit le docteur Hadley. « Votre peau ne pèlera pas éternellement non plus » précise-t-elle. C’est même souvent très rapide : « Même avec un peeling fort, la peau s’arrête généralement de peler après 5 jours, parfois 7, mais pas plus. » Elle conseille d’éviter d’utiliser trop de produits ou de porter beaucoup de fond de teint. Mieux vaut porter un baume ou une bb crème, qui justement ont été inventés pour être portés après un soin dermato.

Que dois-je faire après un peeling

Protéger sa peau après un peeling est crucial. L’acide glycolique augmente la sensibilité au soleil et le risque de brûlures, cicatrices ou tâches brunes. » nous dit Deveny. Utilisez un écran total et porter un chapeau si vous êtes amenée à vous exposer un petit peu au soleil, mais il vaut mieux éviter absolument tout exposition pendant quelques semaines.

Puis-je utiliser de l’acide glycolique à la maison ?

Si vous avez la peau terne et/ ou des imperfections, un peeling aux acides peut vous permettre de repartir sur de bonnes bases. Selon votre profil de peau, on va recommander généralement plusieurs peelings rapprochés pendant l’hiver, en cabinet médical. Si vous préférez utiliser des soins quotidiens et/ou ponctuels, orientez-vous vers des produits qui contiennent des acides de fruits (aussi appelés AHA), comme une crème, un masque ou encore une lotion assainissante.

Et même si les soins disponibles en parapharmacie sont moins concentrés en acides que les peelings réalisés en cabinet, un usage prolongé peut apporter des résultats très probants. « Je conseille toujours d’introduire progressivement les acides dans votre routine beauté, d’y aller doucement, par exemple un jour sur deux. Il peut même intéressant d’utiliser des AHA avant un peeling dermatologique, histoire de préparer la peau à une concentration plus forte. » Là encore, il est normal de ressentir des picotements. Des sécheresses temporaires peuvent également apparaître, le temps que la peau s’habitue.

En termes de produits, Deveny recommande la crème SkinCeuticals Glycolic 10 Renew Overnight Cream, ou encore les disques M-61 Power Glow Peel Pads. Comme toutes les bonnes choses, il vaut mieux éviter d’en abuser, ce qui veut dire aussi qu’il vaut mieux espacer les utilisations si vous remarquez que les sécheresses ne disparaissent pas. Dans tous les cas, si vous suivez bien tous ces conseils, il n’y a vraiment pas de quoi en avoir peur. Votre peau vous le revaudra !

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